#1
Those things you say,
how they moved me.
I'd give all I had to see you smile.

As I saw your beauty surround me,
how it touched me.
Those feelings I can't get back in style.

Pre- Chorus - Somehow I lost
Somehow I lost the keyyyy (extended to 5 seconds)

Chorus- Forgive the time I ran away,
(and) you'd wish I stayed.
Send me off with a gentle kiss,
for our souls ended with a miss.

But in that you're brand new.
In time I won't forget you.

Imagine this,
as I held you.
I didn't know that sometimes I'm wrong

But what can it be?
And what do your arms need?
I hope they can help you along.

Pre-chorus- Somehow I lost
Somehow I lost the keyyyy (extended to 5 seconds)

Back to chorus

Crit for crit
Last edited by n-ocentcriminal at May 26, 2006,
#2
A very good chorus. I always enjoy rhyming schemes like these. It's different than rhyming every other line or the next line for the verses. Has enough to make a decent song. A fairly good set up too and you stayed on task with the song without throwing in random verses that are totally unrelated.
#3
i enjoyed the rhyming schemes. put together well. there is nothing in here I would change.
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#5
Before I start, I'd just like to say how much I loved 'Sperm in the Pasta'. I hope you don't mind that I printed it out and it's now on my bedroom wall!

Anyway, I think this piece was slightly plain. I'd suggest that you try to think of a different way to say things, rather than this kind of love song.

This was OK, but I just doubt that anything could match 'More Than Maccaroni'. Cheers again, and keep on writing.
#6
Well, I am sorry you didn't like it, but this one is about saying goodbye to someone you love and for me, that takes somewhat of a simple approach. Thanks for the feedback.
Last edited by n-ocentcriminal at May 26, 2006,
#7
personally, I thought this one was merely OK.


But in that you're brand new.
In time I won't forget you.


I thought this was really cliched(as much as I hate using that word), not the only part, but one that really just bothered me.

I wasn't a fan of the questioning...
But what can it be?
And what do your arms need?


I think it sounds a little to simple planish.

I think this piece could make a good punk song, like NOFXish maybe. I haven't listened to that kind of stuff in ages though, so I might be a little off by saying that, but as a set of lyrics, or poetry, where it stands now is kinda bland. I think you need to add a bit of a plot to your writing, like you're telling a story because you need to bring forth development to keep a reader interested.
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#8
when i read it there was nothin special about it, jus some average lyris, and the last two lines of the chorus, the rhyme there seesm forced to me
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