#1
To Whom It May Concern:

I have seen the people run
On treadmills through simulated forests,
One hand on their back pocket,
The other down their pants.

I have seen the people smoke
Simulated marijuana through
Their grandfather?s pipe,
Carved from stolen ivory.

I have seen the taxis flood
The streets that lead to the newest
Attraction that can be bought
Only if they take their hand out of their pocket.

I have seen the people powder
Their wigs to keep out the lice;
Off with their heads! Off with their heads!
If they don?t have the latest wig then off with their heads!

I have killed my mistress and master,
For what is a musician if not another servant,
Living with the constant fear that
His harmonic scale will be out of taste and soon replaced.
Last edited by jamminbass at May 26, 2006,
#3
The second and last stanzas were my favourite, the others didnt seem to flow as well. Its definately good reading though! well done.
#4
i like how one sentence linked into another, you know about 'the hand in the pocket'. cleverly done & very interesting...it kept me reading anyway!!
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#5
i very much enojoyed this and for some reason i could kinda tell the different "era's" in history in which each stanza applied to. maybe it wasn't intentional but i'm weird. anyway great job 7/10
#6
For what is a musician if not another servant,
Living with the constant fear that
His harmonic scale will be out of taste and soon replaced.


Beautiful =P
Fantastic man. Im not sure if it would work as a song but deffo in poem! I love it, i really do. 9/10 from me.
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#7
I thought this was interesting.

I'll probably get an e-slappin' for this, but I think that this kind of piece might have benefitted from a rhyme scheme, so to give it a bit more rhythm and style; however I'm sure you have your own reasons for not doing so.

I didn't actually like the 'simulation' and 'stimulation' in the first two cstanzas. It kinda distracts from the read in general.

Otherwise this seemed well written with some intriguing imagery. Not bad at all.
#8
Actually I already have music for it and it works quite well. It still needs a bit of tweaking though. I kind of agree with you CJW, it could use a rhyme scheme, but I don't think it's vital in any way. Maybe might help the flow, but that won't matter so much in a song. I didn't actually plan to have it in a song, but then I came up with some good music for it while driving.

I might have to change the simulated parts anyways just to make it flow better and sound better.

Thanks everyone.
#10
This is could be one of those poems that would be killer to be read aloud...what kind of music does this go to? Wow this song really is something interesting and beautiful.
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#11
It's sort of riff rock type music...it's got a slow, minor-ness to it. Trust me it works...

Thank you though.

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#15
i heard that pink queen is now the column cleaner?

i loved this piece. i loved the repition of the opening line of each stanza. the images you built upon were really cool, meaningful also. i felt that the final stanza was really effective, it ended the piece really well. i don't really know what to point out by way of improvement cuz i thought that this was a very solid piece. good work.
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#16
Very good stuff. Maybe it might benefit from a rhyme scheme, but if it goes well with music then there's no point really.

I thought the imagery was good, and as said above, I think the opening line being repeated like that was good, and the assonance on the last line was a nice way to finish.

Very good work. Keep it up.