#1
{-Verse-}

I lie awake in the deep night
As the night grows
I begin to think to myself
My eyes get cold

Introversion is the horizon
From where we draw inspiration
I tail the clouds endlessly
As I realize your frailty

Time drags on continually
I need someone to hold
Don't look to me
Who can I take home?

{-Chorus-}

It is not you who will accompany
It is one of maturity
It is he who will never see
The likes of mockery

He is the stare of neutrality
(For he will never see)
His eyes are the black of blue
(For he will never see)
His first sense will never try
(For he will never see)
For this of him I envy
He?ll never find travesty


{-Outro-}

The song grows old
And the pen grows cold
As eyes grow dim
There is so much to do
And so little time
I fade and I realize
The blind dreamer sees all

Critique accepted, wanted, and I will crit-for-crit.
Last edited by BurgundySky at May 26, 2006,
#2
Seems to be pretty good. Sort of shaky in some parts. (chorus)- It needs some work, I didn't care for the rhyming in the chorus. Great verse though. I love how you build a story in the verse. But then it seems to go !KAPUT! I guess that is why I didn't care much for the chorus. It can't hold up to the other parts in the song.
#4
I lie awake in the deep night
As the night grows
I begin to think to myself
My eyes get cold i didnt like the repetition of the word "night" in the first two lines. maybe something more like "as the darkness grows" instead? the rest didnt really make much sense

Introversion is the horizon
From where we draw inspiration
I tail the clouds endlessly
As I realize your frailty this is a much better stanza but the last line brings it down, it seems a bit forced

Time drags on continually
I need someone to hold
Don't look to me
Who can I take home? at first read i hated this part, but after going over it a few times i like it but it still seems out of place compared to the rest of the song.

{-Chorus-}

It is not you who will accompany
It is one of maturity
It is he who will never see
The likes of mockery love this part

He is the stare of neutrality
(For he will never see)
His eyes are the black of blue
(For he will never see)
His first sense will never try
(For he will never see)
For this of him I envy
He?ll never find travesty very nice. this is my favourite part


{-Outro-}

The song grows old
And the pen grows cold
As eyes grow dim
There is so much to do
And so little time
I fade and I realize
The blind dreamer sees all nice ending.

Good job. i'd give it a 7/10
#5
Awesome verse! The chorus needs a slight change of words, but other than that, 8.5/10!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#7
The song grows old
And the pen grows cold
As eyes grow dim
There is so much to do
And so little time
I fade and I realize
The blind dreamer sees all

I really enjoyed the outro. overall good piece i enjoyed it.
#8
An alright piece.Didnt care for the"my eyes get cold" line,doesnt seem to fit in.but your ending is excellent. I dont usually rate but....7/10 Crit mine its "SOMETIMES" and or "STRONGEST MAN ALIVE" thanks.