#2
Wow, ok you get a crit

My canvas has become a blur
I think it may be raining

That line is seriously amazing, i don't know why it just got me... wow, for this piece alone i'm nominating you next month (remind me if i forget, i rarely come on here anymore ,,) just wow in general really

really really good man keep it up
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#3
Pretty enlightening. Good stuff. I like the fact you use the sun as a being a star. Most ppl don't realize that. Also, we never give back what we should to this world. Liked it.
#4
eh, I think I was sold with the picture..

IMO the first line of the second stanza, it seems like if you said "blurred" instead "a blur" it would flow a tad better. Then in the third line, I'd change 'or' to 'and'.


this is pretty good though. I've got a song up, called "summer" if you're interested.
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#5
I always like to see something trying something different, so well done Mike.

But the piece itself was lacking your recent sharpness, I feel. The ending sentiments of both stanzas were too bland, but there were some nice images beforehand.

I do quite like it, but I wonder if you didn't get quite enough inspiration just from the picture. Good work anyway.
#6
where you say "or maybe it's only around me"

i would personally change that to "but maybe it's only around me"

because I see no reasoning for having "or" there. There's no list of 2 things, you're not saying "i think it's raining OR snowing" or whatever, you're saying "i think it's raining". "or only around me" wtf that doesn't make sense

so i'd use "but"

also then in the 2nd line (yeah I shoulda done this in order but lol) I would change "smog" to "smoke" IMO. "Smog" just sounds very unpoetic and not so beautiful, which greatly opposes the rest of this piece not to mention the image.

I think this works beautifully. It's the kind of thing you see huge prints of (the image I mean) but then these words over it totally fit. This is great and I love it lotsies.
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#7
If I were to read this w/o this picture, the fifth line seems out of place. But with the picture, the whole thing's like wow. Did you take the picture yourself or did you just find it?

Nice work anyhow.
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#8
Thanks everyone, and alice i was going to change that line to " or maybe only around me" but its such a hassle but sense you pointed out that it obviously doesnt make sense, will do. Dashboard ill get to yours and if anyone else wants returns, just post a linky
#10
I must say I liked this quite a bit. (Sorry for not doing a full crit as I would usually but it's difficult to quote )

I loved the idea of light and warmth being presents or a gift from the sun who never gets anything in return, rather original, at least to me. Although I didn't fully understand the 'never helps' part, if it had been some reference to global warming it would have made more sense in my opinion. But I may just be being simple and not understanding something very easy.

From the first line I was expecting the blurring to because of the beauty of the sight at which you were painting but you put it a completly different way which I enjoyed. Also the rhyme of 'reside' and 'collide' was great too gave the lines a nice flow. The last two lines portrayed a cliche idea but didn't seem forced in any way so I liked that too.

Overall I thought this was a really nice piece and did it's purpose well (if that was to convey the picture). Also thanks for getting to mine
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)
#12
Ah, trust me to trivialise things
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)
#13
the last three lines of the first stanza are overdone and very very ineffective.it seems like the poem is going for almost an abstract sense of feeling, but the wording and the ideas in those lines totally takes it from anything near abstract to completely cliche.
also the "i think it could be raining, but only around me" has been done to death.

overall the idea is nothing new but you worked it out okay at the end.
the things i pointed out definitely keeps this from being anything other than just another average poem.
5/10
#15
That's a bollocks picture.



Ya rly.

This is a good picture, and don't even say it isn't a picture, becuase it is.



Anyway, for the song or feelings or whatever it was, I didn't like it.

I've seen about 200 million pieces like it before, but better.

Cigarettes, Stars Colliding, Canvas' and Perfect Pictures.

It all seems the same to me.

What lovely colour^