#1
This is the song i submitted for the ten words contest but i thought it was quite good and since it is my most recent song it should give a good contrast to the other songs i posted because they were some of my first, anyway here it is.

Cassandra (Blackened Flames)


Chorus
Blackened flames,
puncture the skyline,
she screams many names,
none of them mine,
cavernous echoes,
through these hallow halls,
she?s not looking when she goes,
now she?s gonna fall.

Verse 1
She?s wandering aimlessly,
her sense of purpose defiled,
and they all point fingers at me,
I look to the guilty but he smiled,
nothing but hate lay in his eyes,
I quiver in his evil presence,
and cower from his lies,
you?d escape if you had sense.

Chorus

Verse 2
Pay for respect with your blood,
carve your name in you wrist,
you flee from the flood,
of irony that creates this plot twist,
if he loved you he?d be there,
but he?s not,
if he still cared,
he wouldn?t have forgot,
your name,
he calls you sweetheart,
that?s not the same,
as holding you in his heart.

Chorus

Verse 3
Hate doth not warrant pain,
and you?ve acted rashly,
you were overcome by strain,
and this is not really,
what was planned,
you mourn your loss,
this love boat unmanned,
you cast a prayer to the cross,
but god doesn?t listen anymore,
because you?re a nothing,
you?ve broken his law,
and you?re regretting,
all mistakes you made,
these thoughts rush back rapidly,
and although the price?s been paid,
you?re still too blind to see.

Bridge
Your heart?s on display,
fading away,
your heart?s on display,
you gave it all away.

Verse 4
She?ll cry,
you can?t stop me,
he?ll cry,
well just watch me,
I?ll cry,
you can?t control her,
she?ll just cry,
because we?ve disturbed her,
it was a long time ago,
that you serenaded her on her veranda,
you won her heart but let it go,
the one they call Cassandra.

Chorus

Outro
She died tonight,
the doctor said,
if she tried to fight,
she?d still be dead,
earlier he spoke optimistically,
but the optimism was fake,
because really,
there is no cure for heartbreak.

Your crit is appricaited, you could also crit my other songs Welcome and Old man at the crossroad
Last edited by future rock god at May 26, 2006,
#2
this is nice, it sounds almost serene though, like you're chastising a child for doing something wrong... i don't know what you were going for but i'd expect different from a slipknot fan (sorry for the generilsation)... it doesn't seem to flow very well as though you've put too many words into it in some places and i can't find a flow because of the way it's written maybe try and column it like most people do, it's so we can find a rhythm of some kind not just coz it looks good...

Anyway it's nice in a mellow way, well done
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#3
Quote by Auals
this is nice, it sounds almost serene though, like you're chastising a child for doing something wrong... i don't know what you were going for but i'd expect different from a slipknot fan (sorry for the generilsation)... it doesn't seem to flow very well as though you've put too many words into it in some places and i can't find a flow because of the way it's written maybe try and column it like most people do, it's so we can find a rhythm of some kind not just coz it looks good...

Anyway it's nice in a mellow way, well done


I've columned it now, does it make the flow come easier?

And about the slipknot fan thing, don't worry i've had worse.
#4
Not bad at all. I like the inference of the love triangle. Things always get screwed up when women get involved don't they? But I seriously think that it's a decent tune. I think that it could get a little long with 4 verses the chorus after each a bridge and an outro, but perhaps that's what you're going for. Musically it would work with many different rhythm patterns, and the flow is real good. The outro may have a flow issue at the end with the lines "earlier he spoke optimistically, but the optimism was fake, because really, there is no cure for heartbreak" but other than that it's decent.
#5
I agree with auals that the flow seems a bit awkward, but if it goes with the music you have then ignore this. Just some lines seem to have too many words. actually that is only applying to chorus.

Blackened flames,
puncture the skyline,
she screams many names,
none of them mine,
cavernous echoes,
through these hallow halls,
she?s not looking when she goes,
now she?s gonna fall.


eg the first four lines here of chorus flow brilliantly, but the next four fail to do so. I know this is onlly four lines but I think it would be nice to keep this going.

cavernous echos
through these hallow hallways
she's never looks
where ever she goes

imo this kinda works better. but like I said if you have the music already sorted then go for it

The verses are working werll, good diction and ideas. you have made this easy to read but it is not lacking any depth. TBH I get the feeling that this isn't so much personal, as you writing in general about the loss of a love, cause it has a kinda witty feel about it at the same time.(the veranda/cassandra rhyme i feel made me think that) sort of detatched(i'm probably wrong but that is just me)

I think the last line is my only real uncertainty cause time is a great remedy for heartbreak, and maybe you could link it in. upto ypu mate.

Anyway, that must be the longest damn crit I've ever done(s**t I missed my wedding)

Nicely done Bud