#1
crit for crit and all that jazz


Turning the handle to open the floodgates,
Breaking the pipes to fill up the sea.
Opening pies and finding no filling,
Sealing the fate of the money mad moose.

Call the banker he?s left me no dollars,
Try the streets where the peasants hang out.
Sleep with the king he?ll bring you a good time.
Drown the swan cause the meat is no good.

Everthing's sold when there is no anchor.
Everything's sold cause the seals want to buy.

Flogging the world with lashes of airwaves .
There's a price on your head for the oncoming spear.
Perish away, where their jewels can't buy you,
Stampedes of souls, will sell in their place.

Time is sold, "Get Your fragments of rock".
Mounding ground, a reciept for your rot.
Sleep so hard cause dreams are expensive .
Turning the handle to pour us the gold.

Everthing's sold when there is no anchor.
Everything's sold cause the seals want to buy.
Last edited by Glenn James at May 26, 2006,
#2
Good metaphors and personification used but i'm strugguling to see what it's about, perhaps you could clear that up?

Please crit my song Cassandra (Blackened Flames)
#3
I really like the imagry. Although like the other said I'm having a bit of trouble with the overall point. I think that the flow is a little halted but that may be taken care of in the music. The only part that really doesn't work for me at all is this:

"Everything's sold cause the seals wants to buy."

The plurals are killing the flow for me, and also makes it very hard to hear. Other than that I think it's solid.
#4
cheers for the look, the meaning hmmm it is about the whole picture(well my view) of the buying, selling, producing and the let downs of this. As I feel we are now just to concerned(or led by advertising or unnecessary need)) to spending for the sake of it. And for some the trouble of being able to afford what should be affordable. And how the moneymen keep it all in.
Oh typing error there bud, cheers for that. wants =want
Last edited by Glenn James at May 26, 2006,
#5
Quote by Glenn James
crit for crit and all that jazz


Turning the handle to open the floodgates,
Breaking the pipes to fill up the sea.
Opening pies and finding no filling,
Sealing the fate of the money mad moose.

I really liked the image of the sea being emptied somewhat and then breaking what man has created to return it to it's rightful place (nature), i'm assuming that's what it was imply, continual taking and there then being a lack where there should be an abundance. I wasn't too fussed on the 'money mad moose' part, I think it was the actual use of the word moose. Maybe that has some other meaning that i'm not getting but it just doesn't do anything for me.

Call the banker he?s left me no dollar,
Try the streets where the peasants hang out.
Sleep with the king he?ll bring you a good time.
Drown the swan cause the meat is no good.

The first line unfortunatly reminds me of the age old saying 'Sucky sucky two dollar' from the way it's worded, I think that it's just the use of 'dollar' instead of 'dollars'. I really liked the idea that people would drown and destroy beauty because they can see no use in it, rather than taking it for what it is, beautiful.

Everthing's sold when there is no anchor.
Everything's sold cause the seals want to buy.

The allusion to nature in this is again great. The idea that everything can be sold that isn't buried or tied down is incredibly relevant and is portrayed well here. The seal metaphor here is also good, it describes the way that people see something and have to have it because everyone else does reminds me of the way seals 'arf' because the other ones are. Very good here.

Flogging the world with lashes of airwaves .
There's a price on your head for the oncoming spear.
Perish away, where their jewels can't buy you,
Stampedes of souls, will sell in their place.

I liked this a lot but didn't really understand the second line too well. The last line however was great, the stampede of souls created a fantastic mental image.

Time is sold, "Get Your fragments of rock".
Mounding ground, a reciept for your rot.
Sleep so hard cause dreams are expensive .
Turning the handle to pour us the gold.

The 'Mounding ground' part really got my attention and flowed very nicely. I like the way you show that people are willing to put a price on dreams if they think they can make a quick buck. Also the image of someone turning a handle and winding someone elses mental cogs to make them believe they should pay for something they should be allowed for free is probably the best line in this.

Everthing's sold when there is no anchor.
Everything's sold cause the seals want to buy.


Overall I absolutly loved this and the topic it's written about. The metaphors fit the subject well and although I didn't get it on the first reading the second time it all seemed to click, I like that. If you could get to mine it'd be appreciated As We Sat, My Friends And I
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)
#6
Hey Glenn - nice idea here once more; I'm just not sure that I buy it! (Apologies - any excuse to get that pun in!).

I read this before, and why have you changed 'world' to 'seals' in the chorus bit - I thought it was better before. The rest of this piece appears OK though - plenty of imagery and effective metaphors, as has been mentioned before. I'm not too happy about the selling souls bit in the fifth stanza I think.

Overall, I feel confident in saying it's another improvement from you my friend, and a nice piece o' work.
#7
Thanks pink. I was going to change the moose part, but I think I will keep this now, and say that it represents the fat cats. I have chanced dollar to dollars, thanks for that. the 2nd line of 3rd is just saying the advertisers will get you. Tbh some of your interpretations were better than what I had inside of me, but I guess that is the great thing about writing.

Thanks CJW, I thought that world sounded a bit of a generalization and wanted it to be more specific on the subject of the brainwashed buying public(they are out there) so thought seals got more to the point. And the selling souls seemed to follow on from the line before, with money in death being the point. I am glad you liked this mate.
Thanks Again

All the best to you both
#8
Here I am returning the Favour Glenn...

I love the first stanza, its a powerful way to start of a song like this. I like how you made it seem more interesting than normal by using personification in this part. As for the next part it seems good but the last line threw me off. It just seemed to get away from the whole image you were getting at. I like the chorus (I assume it is), those two lines are indescribably clever especially the last line, it just seemed quite unique. The next verse had some good imagery but like Pink said the second line sort of threw me off as well. I have no comment on the next part, theres nothing wrong with it. Overall it seems like a good peice, nice imagery, metaphors and to a lesser degree, personification. 9/10 for you my lad.
-Thanks for the crit on mine as well!
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#11
Really enjoyed the imagery, it's a really good piece. Thought the first two stanzas were the strongest, but the rest were great too.

Loved it, keep it up. 9/10.

If you could drop a line or two on my piece "Escapade", it can be found in my sig. Many thanks.
#12
you used imagery to the full extent here and it works really well.. nice flow sounds good, i think everyone else said everyhitng there is to be said

and if u could crit my piece "the sun now rests" it be awesome, thanks bro
#14
Thanks to all,
#1Synth are you sure it wasn't that one night stand that you got you all itchy, don't scratch it, it will only get worse.
#15
I must say that you are accurate with the meaning. Lyricalkly its good. I know that the imagry is important in this song, but it makes it confusing. If you would change a couple of lines anywhere, and make them straight forward and clear, the whole song would become much better.

plz crit
Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tick Tock

We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
#16
Right, Glenn.

Hey, is it imagery and metaphorical day? You exceeded in both, it heaven for me! Yeah, the first stanza is top class, really brilliant. It's just the images and pictures you paint with your paint brush of intuition and creativity; fantastic.

Also, a greatly original topic. I really really like this, it's by far your best in my opinion. Keep going my friend

If you don't mind Glenn, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749