#1
Please, only constructive crit. Thank you.


Breaking the Frontline


<explosions and gunfire, static of bad connection on a phone> {Man}Honey, I gotta go. We're under attack. {Woman} NO! DON'T GO! PLEA- {Man} I love you.<click>

We've trudged through the jungle,
Crawled through the desert,
Marched through the Moutains,
And all this time I've been mi--ising you,

[Chorus]
And We're Breaking through their Frontlines, (Breaking through the frontline)
And you're the only thought on my mind,
As their guns blaze,
bullets rage,
I think of o-onl-ly you...

And it's been only six months since I've seen your eyes,
but it seems like an eternity,
six months since I've smiled,
ooooo, how I've mi-issed you,

And We're Breaking through their Frontlines, (Breaking through the frontline)
And you're the only thought in my mind,
As their guns blaze,
bullets rage,
I think of o-onl-ly you...

[Bridge]
Heavy Breathing in this quiet,
The guns have stopped,
Except for one more shot,

And it wasn't from my barrel,
But I saw it in my eyes,
As that bullet killed the only thought on my mind,
See-eing you...

And We're Breaking through their Frontlines, (Breaking through the frontline)
And You're the only one I know,
As their guns Blaze,
Bullets rage,
I only remember you.
#2
Hmm,, that was pretty interesting.
Very good word usage. I liked it alot
kinda reminds me of metallica for some reason....
People think im insane becuase i am frowning all the time.
----------------

Member of the Radiohead Fan Club
#3
nice lyrics, but whenever ive heard songs that have bits similar to your start, they always seem really cheesy
#4
"And it's been only six months since I've seen your eyes,
but it seems like an eternity,
six months since I've smiled"
= my favorite part.


"And We're Breaking through their Frontlines, (Breaking through the frontline)"
= for the (breaking...) part, maybe you could put in different words than the ones before it.
#5
batiosilver08: Thanks dude. Metallica's awesome, probably reminds you of them 'cause their what got me into music literally.

sinan90: Yea, I know what ya mean. But no worries, I'm not even sure if that'll be part of the song, i'm still debating on weather I like it or not. Glad ya like the lyrics.

SYH_fan: I'll see what I can do about that, nothing else came to mind at the time and it seemed to fit most in the puny thing in my head people call a brain

All: I'll do crit for crit so long as you leave a link to the piece you'd want me to look at.
#6
Thank you for checking out my piece.

I could be wrong here, and if so I apologise, but I get the feeling this ain't an extended metaphor. A lot of the writing was decent, but I really don't think it's suitable to mix the two subjects of love and war up in this manner, because neither do the other justice.

Please believe I am being constructive. I just feel that the subject of going to war, like you've described here, is far too tragic to be used in a love song, because there are too many other terrible things going on. I'd suggest trying to avoid such contrasts.

Like I already said, you have written some good bits in this piece, it's only the theme that I have a problem with.

Anyhow, cheers for now, and I look forward to seeing more work from you.
#7
cool. Reminds me of metallica. that would be a killer song with the right riffs.