#1
Pretty clever, new stlye and still me.

Sometimes, in the past, I?d notice the noise
Of the reebok classic boys. Intrance, I?d put on
My disguise before their entrance, a masking
[Of sixteen eyes.]

With inpediments slurred into my eloquence, I
Would denoun myself; me. Following the weakest
Generic route down the road of my enemy, where


A distance, slightly bringing back a squint-
Straightening my back, posture is a positive;
Said standing straight. Counting up from zero and finally to
[Eight.]
Last edited by thepickups at May 26, 2006,
#2
what the hell is it?
Epiphone LP special II
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Schecter c-1 Elite
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-Bridge: Steve's Special
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Ampeg 50 watt
#4
Apparently a poem.

I call it writing though.

I've never had such a shocked reaction from someone about a piece of writing, thanks.
Last edited by thepickups at May 26, 2006,
#5
Different indeed. I'm intrigued by the structure of it all, especially the rhymes that have become internal rhymes, fascinating. I can't get much out of it right now, but I'm sensing an importance behind the numbers you've used.

Interesting work mate. I might try and read it again another time.
#6
I have no idea what it is, but I love the internal rhymes and the assonance in the verses is fantastic. Pleasure to read, just don't understand it. Good work (I think...)
#7
but I'm sensing an importance behind the numbers you've used.


Out of 16 eyes

I'd only see out of

Eight.


How old am I again?
What's half of that number?
Why would that be half?
Does that have anything to do with the title?


hmm?
#8
I was going to attempt to full crit this but I don't think I understand it well enough to do so. The internal rhyming is good and I love the use of 'the reebok classic boys', but that is taking what is said as literal.

The only thing I can pick out of the bits in brackets is if you read the middle one first it ends up saying 'I'd only see from eight of sixteen eyes' but I don't have any idea where thats going.

Despite not understanding this it was nice to read from a lexical and structural point of view.

I think mine has slipped to the second page now, it's called As We Sat, My Friends And I if you have a chance to give it the once over.
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)
#9
yeh will do

look at the above post to yours, it might help.

use the title in the piece to.

it's kind of about not posing and being who you are.
#10
It would be really hard for me to not give you a positive crit after your positive crit for my song, obviously. But I honestly do like your use of big words, such that are rarely heard from musicians today. This piece has alot of creativity as well as originality. Do you have it recorded? Or is it just a poem?
#11
Just some writing.

Of late though, I've been writing alot of songs.

Some have been posted, they're quite abstract though.

Thanks, name?
#13
I like the way you have said this is clever and then spell style wrong, made me chuck all,

Anyway I just like the way your work has you written all over it, this is no exception.
It has a great flow and the diction is good to for the subject. The rhyming is superb and as you said very clever, using the last lines like that and linking it all in.

Nice
All the best Pickups
#14
I like the way you have said this is clever and then spell style wrong, made me chuck all,


I completely meant the irony

There's more than that line thing that's clever, but i'll just leave it as that, sunken treasure, lost for now.

thanks Glennnnn


EDIT:

The only thing I can pick out of the bits in brackets is if you read the middle one first it ends up saying 'I'd only see from eight of sixteen eyes' but I don't have any idea where thats going.


Let me help you more.

The eyes could be seen as symbolism of wisdom. The older you get, the more eyes you have/the more wisdom you get/the more you see etc. I'm 16, hence the 16 eyes, half of 16 is 8. So it all leads on.
Last edited by thepickups at May 27, 2006,
#15
Quote by thepickups
Just some writing.

Of late though, I've been writing alot of songs.

Some have been posted, they're quite abstract though.

Thanks, name?


Call me Mike.

#16
this is pretty amazing with all the "in-depth meaning" involved. also, my favorite number is eight. this makes me like it more even though you're not really using eight as anything except for half of 16, you know. i mean, now i know that. initially, i was just like, "eight! yeahh" but anyway, i suck, great job with this one. definitely enjoying the internal rhymin'.

you can, like, read mine, or something, i guess, if you want. everyone thinks its good.
empty mirrors like invisible walls
#17
i'd say thanks but i'd wouldn't be worth as much as this to you, 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
#18
I like the posture of the song, it´s a suble way to remember the way you were and are? :p
You´re just outside
#21
It is a pretty sweet poem. I call it a poem b/c it doesn't sound like a song. But maybe it does to your music. But it is good.

crit
Bard Morons, Tell me
Last edited by Bard Morons at Jun 10, 2006,
#22
Quote by thepickups
The eyes could be seen as symbolism of wisdom. The older you get, the more eyes you have/the more wisdom you get/the more you see etc. I'm 16, hence the 16 eyes, half of 16 is 8. So it all leads on.


Ahhhh I understand. I picked up on the "out of sixteen eyes" thing the first time I read it, then I underdstood the title and after reading it a few times I got it.
Im very slow, but it made sense eventually .
Anyway, I think you have done an incredible job with this. The detail behind the meaning was really quite beautiful. I'd give it a 9.999/10, and thats not only because I'm in a generous mood.