#1
Okay, okay, okay this is one of my more...well I know people aren't going to like it, haha. But I wrote this last night...need a crit please, much much needed.
Thanks so much!
Waste your time with this!<3
I don't mind doing crit for crit also.
----------------------------

Never-Ending

Never-ending tragedy trapped without you
Belonging to no one
With no security
Feeling lost, so cold and shallow
Confusion bears such lonely consequences

Misery, cataclysm, longing for escape
Nearing so closely to desolate fate
Only with you, am I alive
Slowly ending, drawing towards insanity
Narcissistic, selfish lies

Deprivation of existence
Forsaken and fearful
Afraid of what isn?t there
My foolish intentions continue to linger
Thoughts of hopeless desire surface

Mind and mind makes a connection
More than words
Less than thought
Wasted in time
Far from you
Unfound, unknown?
Every second spent away from you
So wasted
---------------------------------
Mmkay. First few crits get free cookies! lol
Please give me constructive criticism, rather than just telling me it sucks.
xD thanks <3

-FinestImagery
#2
I'm the first, gimme a ****in cookie, jk. But seriously, I really liked it. I think it is really good. You give this song somewhat of a complex nature which I am not too fond of, but oddily enough, it attracts me. I'm diggin the diction my friend. Only one downside in this is that it sounds to much like a poem. Don't get me wrong, poetry's great, but it's not the same as a song. And in this piece I think you wrote a poem. I guess all you have to do now is extract what you need in this and the rest will speak for itself. It's awesome nonetheless.

Crit for crit or bash for bash, whatever you decide.
#3
Actually I tend to obstain from writing songs xD
So I guess it's somewhat of a compliment you think it's a poem? lol^^
Thanks^^ +handsyouacookie+ YOU WIN. But seriously, thanks <3 lol

-FinestImagery
Last edited by FinestImagery at May 27, 2006,
#4
hey, i really dig that song. the love the concept of the piece. yes, is does sound to much like a poem as such, i guess i would have to hear the music. oh ye the last stanza was my favorite, good wording used mate. all in all bout a 8 out of 10. not to shaby at all.
MindFire!
#5
Thanks! I really appreciate everyone's crits.
Also I don't mind doing crit for crit, so if anyone has anything they'd like me to look at, I'd be glad to!
Thanks again!

Ciao,
FinestImagery
#6
hey i liked it. however, it seemed a bit ''wordy'' in places, like you just tried to throw in some big words, especially the second stanza, but then that's probably just your style so who am i to criticise it. my favourite line was ''Confusion bears such lonely consequences''- because i think that's the probably the line i can relate to most.
#7
Good imagery, so I guess you live up to your name. I thought the beginning of the first stanza was pretty good, but everything between that and the beginning of the fourth verse just seemed kind of... blah. I loved the last verse, in my opinion it saved the piece. Overall I would give this a 6/10. Can't wait to see more peices from you in the future, keep on writing!
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#8
I enjoyed it. As said above, the last verse really stood out for me. As Hendrix4ever said, the middle bit seems to lose track. It seems a little bit wordy, or slightly muddled, like you were losing th epoint you were trying to do develop.

Fix that though, and I think you've got a little gem on your hands. 7/10.

If you could crit back, "Tears as I Leave" can be found in my sig.