#1
hey guys. i haven't posted for a while, but it's still the same- crit4crit if you leave a link or the name of your song

Needful Inaction

Sure to find solace at the birth of dawn,
But move on. This is not what we?re looking for.
With a future so near, who can see the past
Buried under debris and blanketing ash?

A hazy figure of what used to be
Dissolves in the rush of forward progression.
Undeveloped as it creeps away
Under the shadow of Eternity.

We should at least slow down, give way to thought.
No, don?t stop. This is not what we?re fighting for.
Is there anything left that we should enshield?
I need to escape the shelter of this shattered world.
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#3
Quote by Dämonschatten
Needful Inaction

Sure to find solace at the birth of dawn,
But move on. This is not what we?re looking for.
With a future so near, who can see the past
Buried under debris and blanketing ash?

I would have added something to the first line, like "We're sure to find solace..." or something, flows better that way IMO. The approximate rhyme is used well.

A hazy figure of what used to be
Dissolves in the rush of forward progression.
Undeveloped as it creeps away
Under the shadow of Eternity.

I didn't like this part as much, it seemed as if it tried a little too hard to seem very poetic or dramatic or whatever.

We should at least slow down, give way to thought.
No, don?t stop. This is not what we?re fighting for.
Is there anything left that we should enshield?
I need to escape the shelter of this shattered world.

Loved everything except the last line, which was similar to the second part.


The sporiadic rhyme scheme keeps things interesting, but I still think the second stanza needs some more work. Other than that it was nicely written.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#4
Didn't care for the rhyming. Good points and tons of imagery, just think it could have been worded better. It doesn't seem to flow well. But as always, it's still pretty good. My fav. is the middle verse, no way I could have thought of that.
#5
Nice to see you writing again Damon', but I gotta be honest and say I wasn't too keen on this one.
Don't get me wrong, I think it's nicely written and had has decent ideas, but it just doesn't too much for the reader.
Were you actually tryin' to rhyme?
All in all, it all just seems quite cliched I feel, but still a good piece, with some intelligent thoughts. Keep at it.

If you so choose you can have a peep at the link in my sig', but cheers for now.
#6
Quote by Dämonschatten
hey guys. i haven't posted for a while, but it's still the same- crit4crit if you leave a link or the name of your song

Needful Inaction

Sure to find solace at the birth of dawn,
But move on. This is not what we?re looking for.
With a future so near, who can see the past
Buried under debris and blanketing ash?

I love the image of the birth of dawn, give me the mental picture of sun just creeping over the horizon and it's great. 'With a future so near..' sounds as if i've heard it somewhere before but I can't place where, this is a good thing in my opinion it makes it memorable on the first reading due to the familiarity. Nothing else to really say here.

A hazy figure of what used to be
Dissolves in the rush of forward progression.
Undeveloped as it creeps away
Under the shadow of Eternity.

As someone else said the slight change in the rhyme scheme here keeps things interesting so props on that. I also like the internal rhyming on the last two lines, fits very well.

We should at least slow down, give way to thought.
No, don?t stop. This is not what we?re fighting for.
Is there anything left that we should enshield?
I need to escape the shelter of this shattered world.

As I said to you last night I think you could have done more with the 'shattered world' part of this, possibly tied another stanza in with that image. The internal rhyme between 'enshield' and 'shelter' I liked as it sort of crept up and wasn't where I expected a rhyme to be. Nothing much else wrong here.


I quite liked this, a few small niggles but besides that nothing too serious wrong.
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)
#7
hey guys, thanks a lot for the comments. i'll consider your suggestions if i ever get around to revising it.

pinky- i was going to include another stanza tying into the 'shattered' part, but it took me such a long time to finish it, i thought i should just quit while i was ahead.

but thanks again guys; i'll get to your songs now.

anymore comments would be greatly appreciated
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.