#1
I've been working on a concept album based on my novela. plz tell me if the songs are good.

How do I keep going here?
How can I plod through the day?
In a river, a mainstream,
Opposing everything.

I?ve got the music to take me through this,
To speak my soul for me,
To take me soaring through realms,

I just keep on pedaling,
Pedaling until I can?t,
Trudging like a beast of burd?n.
Full of the cares of the world.

At least there?s an opposite,
For everything existing,
Joy for the sorrowing ones,
Vibrancy for the mundane,
Triumphant in every loss.

I?ve got the music to take me through this,
To speak my soul for me,
To take me soaring through realms,
That I?ve never been to before,
To swirling fantasy,
And kick-butt concerts,
Everything imaginable.


My world is going well?
It?s just plain old swell?
So well that I lose my mind,
It?s so systematic that my heart,
is screaming for a change.

I scream for change,
but don?t see it coming,
I scream for change,
But am blind to advent.

I?m pedaling along the same path,
So well traveled,
That I can follow in my sleep,
The road of clichés,
And an overused word.

I suddenly TRIP,
Out of nowhere I TRIP,
Abruptly I TRIP,
I trip out of monotony,
I skinned my knees,
I scraped my hands,
My body slammed the asphalt,
With a thud and a scrape,
I?m free from mediocrity.

TRIP!

I nearly tripped into a manhole,
An unexpected hole in the road,
An affliction that relieves me,
A hole to change my life.

I suddenly TRIP,
Out of nowhere I TRIP,
Abruptly I TRIP,
I trip out of monotony,
I skinned my knees,
I scraped my hands,
My body slammed the asphalt,
With a thud and a scrape,
I?m free from mediocrity.

TRIP!

It has a message,
A profound opportunity,
To leave the realm of suburbia,
Through my stumble comes relief.


I can?t see in this dark mist,
There?s no telling what?s to come,
I?m grasping the air,
Looking for something?

The portal to our world,
The portal to our world.

My voice echoes in the abyss,
Suddenly I see a message,
Gleaming with profoundness,
Leaving me to wonder?

The portal to our world,
The portal to our world.

No swirling opening,
No sci-fi machine,
Just a ladder,
from whence I came.

The portal to our world,
The portal to our world.

They don't have titles yet, and plz rate them out of 10, and tell me what I can do to improve them. I'm trying to make the transition from poet to lyricist.
#4
Quote by JET116
untitled is such a cliche name


I know it is, but this guy named green fox was being a major son of a dog about it so I changed it.
#5
Well, hmmmmm. Yeah, I liked it. I think you are a pretty good writer. I still think you have more of a poet's mindset however. The rhyming lacks but your phrases are excellent. Just organize them better. But I don't rate things out of ten, sorry. Whenever you decide you have made the transition from poet to lyricist, you are gonna blow away a lot of ppl.

Crit or bash mine plz. Simple Man's Disease
Last edited by n-ocentcriminal at May 27, 2006,
#6
yes, i am happy now that your thread won't get closed and that you'll get the constructive criticism that you are in need of. You are very FUCKING Welcome!!!
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#7
I like all of them. Their well composed and you have great word usage. As n-ocentcriminal put it, their still poet-ish sounding, I'm having a little difficulty putting music to it, but not impossible The only thing I might suggest if your going to make these songs is in your third one in what I presume is your chorus where you go:

The portal to our world,
The portal to our world.


where you might want to add a bit more into, either change one of the lines or throw a line or two inbetween them to make them fuller. But over all, I'd give them a 9/10

If you don't mind doing crit for crit, could you crit mine. It's in my sig Good luck with your transition.
#8
Quote by GuitarGuyScot
I like all of them. Their well composed and you have great word usage. As n-ocentcriminal put it, their still poet-ish sounding, I'm having a little difficulty putting music to it, but not impossible The only thing I might suggest if your going to make these songs is in your third one in what I presume is your chorus where you go:



where you might want to add a bit more into, either change one of the lines or throw a line or two inbetween them to make them fuller. But over all, I'd give them a 9/10

If you don't mind doing crit for crit, could you crit mine. It's in my sig Good luck with your transition.



i critted ur song. twas good.