#1
i haven't finished it yet but it's about people in the poorest parts of africa.
please crit!!!!


theres a little face, looking up at you
its gasping out for air, but you can't do anything
you watch it's eyes as it looks at you desparatley
its fighting for air but it just can't get any

its life is closing up
its light is fading in front of you
you want to save it now
but there's nothing you can do

you know that it's dying but no-one can help you
it's reaching out it's hand but you dont know what to do
it's crying out for mercy it's face shows it's in pain
it's crying out in vain
cos the lord has taken it over.....

#2
I don't think that title is right either, delete and just put "untitled"
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#3
alright, now that that is taken care of..

onto your piece.

I didn't like all of the use of 'it' and some of 'it' was quite confusing.

In the second line of the piece, I'd change it to 'it's gasping for air but there's nothing you can do' the first part, I'd take out 'out' because you don't really gasp 'out', if anything, you gasp in.

As I read on, especially in the third stanza, I really don't like the use of the word it, in the context that you are using it and everything. I'd seriously pick a gender, because it currently sounds as though you are talking about an object, not a person.

I didn't really read anything that was excitingly original, but it wasn't too bad, in terms of originality.

you can take a look at mine, if you so choose. It is called summer. It's about half way down the page, maybe closer to the bottom. Or just search for it. I might come back and post a link..

edit https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365840
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.