#1
You act like I?m a sin
You play against this soul within
You act like I was your ?everything?
But for a while


But now I?m done
You stole the light from my sun
You stole away the everything
That made me smile


But you?ll never be without me
?Cause you may be the one I need
No you?ll never be without me
But I just need some time to breathe


You say you?re lost
Try to think but I?m at a loss
It?s too hard to believe anything
That you may say


But you?ll never be without me
?Cause you may be the one I need
No you?ll never be without me
But I just need some time to breathe


You led me on into destruction
You led me on and so I fell
You led me on with your seduction
You made me blind so I couldn?t tell


And you?ll never be without me
?Cause you may be the one I need
No you?ll never be without me
But I just need some time to breathe
Last edited by goo_fan at Apr 27, 2007,
#2
I think you need to rethink some of your rhyming here. It seems forced, and bad. I'd like to write more, but Im short for time at the moment. Good luck with this- I hope you get some better crits than this.
#3
It's catchy. But if you wanted it to be a song, I would suggest putting that 2nd and 3rd stanza together and possibly just repeating the chorus after a bridge, or just make a third verse. Because I would find it too short to just do what you have. Another part, not to be too critical, but possibly in the part where you said you led me on three times in a row, switching that up a bit. Just too repetitive right there. So by changing a few things around, this could be a good song. But it's your writing, so if you like it, don't change it.
#4
Pretty good - my biggest suggestion would be to maybe spice it up with more specifics, as oppose to a more generalized style. I suppose the ambiguity of it all would help more people to apply those lyrics to their own lives, but it also sets up the lyrics for a bit of dyness. Still, it'd be interesting to hear this in a song. Good job
#5
In all reality, I cannot truly criticize this piece.
It is of your own emotion.
However, I can tell you how much I loved it.
Which I did, of course. I normally tend to stay away from pieces like this but you're actually writing out of your own emotion, which I clearly recieved in this poem.
Very nice work.
Please crit mine?
"Never-ending".
Thanks! <3

FinestImagery
#7
i think he's talking about 1st and 2nd stanza.. since that's the first thing we read, so i think you should organize your work better so it flows really well.. crit mine "United States Of Warmonger"
#8
Yeh, the 1st stanza. I think "eveything" seems a bit forced just to fit the AAAB pattern you set up for that. And the second stanza changes rhyme scheme again to AABC, which I didn't understand why you changed it. And the second stanza also repeats "everything". I think you need to change that and be, like yawn said, more specific. Same for "anything" in the fourth stanza.

But It's good work. Just be more specific with it.

I'd appreciate it if you could crit my newest piece, "Tears as I Leave". It can be found in my sig
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 28, 2006,