#1
Um...not much to say except crit for crit...


Something With Heart

Sitting here, with a diluted stare
All that surrounds, is a broken air
We cry and moan, say ?life?s not fair?
Want someone to listen, but no one?s there
And in our eyes, we are victimized
The product of, corrupt social lines
I think that we could all use a good
Slap on the back (or a shot in the foot!)

This is our generation
We pity ourselves through imagination
Our lives are the worst, we?re always hurt
Wake up from this self-damnation!

Fighting life, with an inward knife
Stab myself just to see what it?s like
We?re bored and tired, never inspired
The match has been lit, now where?s the fire?
So what do you do when life?s so good?
We have it all, but is it really enough?
Waiting for, something to start
Praying for, something with heart


Feedback appreciated
#2
wow it's really good. is it a song and if so what sorta style?

i really like the rhyming it doesn't seem forced or anything, just really natural. nothing here i would really change. :-D

if you have time i'd like to know what u think of mine, its called 'you will never be without me', on the first page
#3
^ Well, it's already a fully recorded song. If you want to see what it's like, you can check it out at http://horriblemusic.dmusic.com

I'll be sure to have a look at yours as soon as I can. Thanks for the crit =)
Last edited by yawn at May 27, 2006,
#4
Very nice...None of the rhymes are really forced, almost like it could be regular conversation. Very inspiring also.

We?re bored and tired, never inspired
The match has been lit, now where?s the fire


My favorite lines are right there, just awesome is all I can say. Keep up the good work and keep writing. If you feel like it, you can look for my last one, it's called Trading Tomorrow for Today. Again, very nice piece here.