#1
Not too keen on the title, if you think of one, please let me know. A crit for crit will be gladly given.

I?m the one with a smile etched upon my face
I?m the one with a complete lack of grace
But you know that all of my intentions are good
And you know I?d give you the moon if I could
I?m the one for you,
And you?re the one for me, too

I?m the one you always see outside
Because I like to walk around in the sunshine
It reminds me how I always feel
The air gets warm when you are near
I?m the one for you
And you?re the one for me, too

There?s nothing I could ever want more
Than for you to walk through that door
Come sit with me on the floor
Talk with me and make my heart soar, let it soar

I?m the one with a smile etched upon my face
One that never, or ever, will be erased
I see you in the sunshine walking near
Is it just me or is it getting hotter out here?
I?m the one for you
And you?re the one for me, too
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#2
ovefr all i thought it was good the part i didnt like very much was end of the second stanza but it was ggood peace dude
#3
Through the second stanza, you lost all of your rhyming. If this is a song, the melody/rythm could make that not matter. It just might have a better ring to it if you would try to maintain some form of rhyme.
#4
Agreed, overall pretty good though a bit cliche in some parts.
However, that doesn't really matter if you're writing out of emotion.
Nice job ^^
Maybe use more "vivid" (ooooh nice...lol sorry) words, not so simple.
Please crit mine?
"Never-ending"
Thanks!

FinestImagery
(Keep on writing!)
#5
Yeh, It seems like you lost enthusiasm and interest in the piece after the first two stanzas, especially in the third stanza. I think this is one that you could go back to when you feel more inspired, and then rewrite those last two stanzas. The opening two lines of the fourth verse reminded me very much of an etch a sketch, which was nice.

So, I definitaly think this warrants a rewrite at a later date. 6/10 so far.

Spaking of lack of inspiration, if you could crit back "Tears as I Leave" from my sig, it'd be much appreciated.
#6
This has some promising bits in, but overall appears just like a lor of other love songs.

The main bits I have a problem with is the way you let the rhyme take over the piece, especially in the third, because having to rhyme so much eventually compromises the content. Also, there were a few cliches - 'walk through that door' is a prime example.

Overall not too bad. The first two lines were interesting, as were the first two in the final stanza, but a love song really needs to have a different style about it if it's really going to move a listener. Keep it up.

If you wouldn't mind checking out a piece from my sig', that would be nice.