#1
Alright, so another piece from me. Either a bit cliche or requiring a bit of thought..not sure, you tell me. Hopefully I get more response/constructive crit on this one than on the other one...feel free to check it out though^^ (Never-ending...in my user post thing)...Well here goes, I think it might be a bit different from what I usually write.
-------------------------------
Intertwined

With nothing but your arms to surround me
Somewhat secure
A feeling for the truth
The words dissolving into time
A grasp at lies
a desperate attempt for something to hold on to,
clinging...

Now you've stolen my thoughts
and taken my life
cascaded the skies
charaded my reality
certification
such a low approval
you bend the words
and mend the light

Intertwined
feeling nothing less than soulful
Intertwined
two in heart
(and one in mind)
feeling selfish, escaping desire
Freeing myself into
Megalomaniacal state

Intertwined
What did you expect of me?
so close to you
so far in distance
visions streaming
leaving me with nothing but greed
Intertwined
Your life story
melts into mine.
----------------------------
Well, there you have it. I know this definitely isn't my best.
Well, please crit! I need it! Haha.
Thanks!!

Ciao,
FinestImagery
#2
well, i really liked your song, i think this was the best

Intertwined
What did you expect of me?
so close to you
so far in distance
visions streaming
leaving me with nothing but greed
Intertwined
Your life story
melts into mine.


very good XD
#3
Thanks very much^^
Woo you had the first post, first crit, Franco-you get cookies.
+handsFrancocookies+
Anyone else?^^

FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...
#5
it was pretty cool, i think if it were like a grunge song i'd listen to it, im not quite sure what the song means though
#6
Quote by manthtscrazy
i really liked the way you started it here

Now you've stolen my thoughts
and taken my life
cascaded the skies
charaded my reality
certification
such a low approval
you bend the words
and mend the light

really good song could you crit mine called thoughts Now you've stolen my thoughts
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368332


Thanks very much, Will do!
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...
#8
Way to be helpful, damn leeches.^

I agree the beginning was the best. All in all it was quite well written, sort of had a stacatto feel. I'd have to say megalomaniacal was a bad choice though, it interrupts the flow in my eyes. I'd say replace it with narcissistic, it would flow better. But if it flows well in your eyes the way it is then keep it. Makes pretty good sense. At first I didn't think you actually knew what it meant and that you were just using a big word that sounds cool, but then you mentioned your greed later on.

Now you've stolen my thoughts
and taken my life
cascaded the skies
charaded my reality
certification
such a low approval
you bend the words
and mend the light

That definitely was one of the best parts.

Peace.
#9
Now you've stolen my thoughts
and taken my life
cascaded the skies
charaded my reality
certification
such a low approval
you bend the words
and mend the light


def the best part of the song, and i completely agree that megalomaniacal was a bad choice and completely messes with the good flow of the song, so maybe a change there ?
other than that i think its a good piece 8/10 is about right and if u could please crit my song "the sun now rests" thanks bro
#10
Very awsome. reminds me of my own love life, lol. does everyone have such a confusing one?

very well writin
#11
Yaaaay ressurrection! lol
Thank you all so much for your responses^^
I'll also crit for crit if anyone wants...

Thanks again~

FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...