#1
this is the first song my band and i have recorded. its a more upbeat song to the otha music we play but i wrote it in my science class....so ye be nice



I served my head up on a plate
Just to see if you could take
All the feelings that I get
You still haven?t found out yet
Take a bow tall and wide
What to do with nowhere else to hide
I spat right into your face
Now your filled with so much grace!

Chorus
Haven?t seen you yet
So much more to take
Lets tell them a lie
I?m in love wit myself!

Take the clock off the wall
I?m here so don?t stand so tall
Beat you down to a mess
You owe me, much more less
I saw a falling star
It fell somewhere, not so far
So hear me as I speak
My words will make you peak!

Chorus
Haven?t seen you yet
So much more to take
Lets tell them a lie
I?m in love wit myself!

(solo)

Addiction is hard to break
I?ve addicted all I can take
Comb the hair, shine the shoes
You snozze you surly lose
Break a neck or even two
What more is there left to do
Smile big for everyone
There is nothing left to do
I?m in love with myself!!


there it is, please tell me what you think and let me know what of yours u want me to have a look at
MindFire!
#2
I think you need a deeper chorus. Those four lines you have aren't much of one. You may want to try and vary your rhyming a bit, or even your rhyme scheme. Also, some of the rhyming seems forced just to make the scheme work- remember, you don't have to use couplets.

That said, it isn't bad, it has that upbeat feeling to it as you said, and with a better chorus and correction of your typos, it could be a decent li'l song.

If you would like to crit back, "Tears as I Leave" can be found in my sig.