#1
Something new, been stumped for ideas for a while. Took me a fair bit of time just to get some words together. You know what to expect from me by now, hope you enjoy this.

Crit for crit again- I don't think i've let anyone down with that so far.

Tears as I Leave


Ring ring goes the telephone
Why don't you pick it up it could be a good friend
I'll listen in as you talk behind my back
About how I hug and kiss you and stuff like that
You'll kick yourself when you find out I know
What's around the corner thanks to a certain scottish girl
I'll never forget her I'll always be in debt but I bet
That to you she'll be the walking dead

I don't wish to make a fuss
You got summin in your eye
I just want to get the bus
You got summin in your eye

How about I show you the ropes one day and we
Could have chat on the diabolical way you behave
We might have a drink or two as we discuss
Your pretence and the way you act
I never liked you from the start I must have
Been crazy to believe you actually liked me
The first day back I wasn't searching for your face
Among the crowds I just wanted to find some space

I don't wish to make a fuss
You got summin in your eye
I just want to get the bus
You got summin in your eye

Yeh well I'm leaving now
Just to get away
Get away from here
Yeh well say goodbye to me now
I've got to go and find another
Say goodbye to me now
I've got to get away from here
I've got to go and find another
Another girl in another world
Who don't think of me as a brother
Tears as I leave
Your tears as I leave
They don't mean much to me
Your tears as I leave

(Long musical break)

Your damn right I don't need you anymore
Yeh your so right I don't need you anymore
Your dead right I don't need you anymore
Yeh your so right I don't need you
Anymore
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 28, 2006,
#2
Don't really get the timing in the lyrics. I like this bit though

How about I show you the ropes one day and we
Could have chat on the diabolical way you behave
We might have a drink or two as we discuss
Your pretence and the way you act

Could do with a bit of work but it was cool. You'd have sing that last bit with a lot of passion or it wouldn't work.
WHY DID I BECOME A HOBO!?

Currently playing - Bioshock (360) Forza 2 (360) Mario Kart (Wii) and some CoD4 (360)
#3
Thanks monkey of doom. Yeh, this needs music to get the timing right, I can see I'll probably get alot of people saying that.

Thanks for the crit.
#4
It's good in breaks.

Yeh well I'm leaving now
Just to get away
Get away from here...


This bit, no offenese, I thought was really bad. The rest was really good. There were some bits in the verses I thought weren't that great, but it's a solid piece when you place aside this verse.

But - I'm gonna leave it up to you what you think is best to edit, if at all, and what into. It's your song, it's your prefences.

Craigo
#5
Thanks Craigo. That verse your on about is supposed to be a sort of build up, a bit of a rant, if you know what I mean. More like a middle eight or something. I will end up editing it, I just posted it like it is to see what people like from it or dislike from it.
#6
Hey jammy. I wasn't too keen on most of it, but I did like the 'summin in your eye' on the chorus. I thought that was pretty decent.

Overall it just comes across as a bit of a rant. You say you've had trouble thinking of ideas, so it's no surprise this appears a little forced. I think it's a good idea to simply take a break if you have a patch like that, until you get that vital shard of inspiration to set you off again.

Altogether this wasn't bad, but it just failed to do much for me. Of course, that's only my opinion, and I'm sure many might disagree. I look forward to your next work.
#7
Thanks CJW. Exactly like you said, I've had a bit of a block at the mo, I've got a bunch of lyrics that just don't seem to want to fit together vey nicely.

Hopefully I won't dissapoint on my next piece, whenever that may be.
#8
theres not much i can say what differs from the guys above, i do feel it "rushes" in some places. although i do like the chorus

I don't wish to make a fuss
You got summin in your eye
I just want to get the bus
You got summin in your eye


the setup of the verses confuse me a little as there is no real rhythm throughout, but that may be what you are going for. overall with a little work this will be a nice piece

cheers 4 my crit aswell
Augutus Gloop
#10
The main issue with this song is the flow...
It didn't read easily...but the message is clear (which I like) and simple...no exagerated use of euphamisms (sp?)or whatever.
With the right music it'd be a nice song. Nothing special, but nice.
On the sixth day God created mankind, I say it is a waste of time.
My project: _simple_city
#11
You say you don't like my use of repetition, yet that last stanza is OK for you?

Other than that, it seems rather poorly written in some parts. It really beats around the bush with the whole "leaving you" idea, the general teen-angst drivel.

Also,
"I don't wish to make a fuss
You got summin in your eye"

The first line sounds unwieldy when spoken aloud.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#12
Thanks for the crits.

soab- It was nothing personal. I just felt that it didn't fit with the what else you had written, and was the only piece of constructive crit I could give, as I thorughly enjoyed your piece. I also believe I wasn't the only one that mentioned it. It was constructive critiscm, not an insult.

That last stanza, infact the one before that aswell, backs up what I said about a lack of inspirationm atm. It's awful, I think, but without It I thought it was too brief. In fact I dislike this piece alot, even withot the crits I've got.

Here's hoping my next is better....