#1
Ok heres a song about an abusive relationship. The chick abuses the guy but he doesn't seem to realize it because hes addicted to her. This cam up in our school on year... the guy pretty well killed himself over it. But he was smart and didn't. On a side not the chicks intials were M.M.

Verse
Down in that valley he was saving the best for last,
When she doesn't come, it'll be a huge blast,
To life, to love to his whole life,
M and M's not there throughout the night
She's off campus at a party of liars
While he's waiting for his deepest desire
She'll be getting the moans and groans exact
Life's becoming less and less intact

Chorus
Who knew the other side of you?,
A link in this chain will break all to soon,
Seeing the world from your eyes,
I can see you keep your eyes on the prize,
Addction like moths to a light,
Take heed now and leave for your flight,
Never can see side two of this tape of deception,
"Because I love her" is no exception.

Verse
Finally the love of his life leaves him to be,
No longer do they meet, greet or see,
Each other at all,
She's moved way away if I recall,
While he sits on her front porch,
Love is his ever burning torch,
Silent screams and wasted lies,
He took his eyes of the prize.

Chorus(x1)

Bridge
With M and M gone hes all alone
What he'll do next is unkown
But she gets farther away from him and his life
Who knows if this'll end up alright?

Chorus(x2)

Crit for Crit as always.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#2
I liked it, it was good to read. I have no major critiscm (sp?) to give. except:

No longer do they meet, greet or see,
Each other at all,

I think that second line there slows down and ruins the flow. I suggest you make it longer so that it continues the vibe of the verses.

I'm also not too sure about the bridge. The rhyming seems forced and It's not as high quality as the rest of the piece.

On a side note, not that it matters, the first line of the chorus can be found in the bridge of the chili's newest sing DaniCalifornia (not accusing of plagarism (sp?) here- am listening to it atm, was a freak coincedence- scary, huh?).

It's good. 8/10 from me, I found it to be very good lyrically, and it seems like you know a feel about your subject strongly. Good Work.

If you could crit back, I'd like your comment on (albeit a poor set of lyrics) "Tears as I Leave", which can be found in my sig.
#3
Thanks Jammy. I see what you mean about the RHCP line. I'll try and improve that. I didn't try to put that in there, I actually thought it was sort of weak lol.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#4
I like it, It flows very nice, and rhymes great. Everything falls into place. It is very enjoyable to read. 9/10
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Too much?
#6
i think this piece is really good. i liked the rhythm and it was really easy to think of this as a song. if you do record it, i'd really like to hear it. 8/10
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Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
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#8
the rhyming's great, i enjoyed reading the whole piece. man, how do u write this kind of stuff like that??

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oh, im off to replace franz.d.!!

ill give it 8/10.

same as usual, good job.
#9
Pretty nice mate, It all keeps itself within the subject matter and you kept the whole piece flowing well, apart from the short line mentioned earlier. I would be tempted to change the first life on line 3 of first verse to live, it imo just sounds that little bit smoother. And a smart idea for the title.

But overall this sounds like a good song and good luck with it.

All the best Calvinthecanadi
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365867
Last edited by Glenn James at May 29, 2006,
#10
Thanks Glenn and ajtfermin. I appreciate them and I'll get to yours soon.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#11
Here's your first crit from Landon. Cherish it; it may well be your last, for I am a lazy bastard .

Down in that valley he was saving the best for last,
When she doesn't come, it'll be a huge blast,
To life, to love to his whole life,
M and M's not there throughout the night
She's off campus at a party of liars
While he's waiting for his deepest desire
She'll be getting the moans and groans exact
Life's becoming less and less intact

The third line doesn't comply with the English language, nor the overall flow of the stanza, and content-wise, seems to be nothing but a support beam to hold up the other lines. It's pretty goofy in all respects. The last line is similarly forced; I'm not sure if 'intact' technically fits in that contact, but either way it feels cramped.

The content itself is pretty nice. You get the gist of the situation across, and create an overall mood of helplessness as well. Aside from my little quirks, it's a solid opening.


Who knew the other side of you?,
A link in this chain will break all to soon,
Seeing the world from your eyes,
I can see you keep your eyes on the prize,
Addction like moths to a light,
Take heed now and leave for your flight,
Never can see side two of this tape of deception,
"Because I love her" is no exception.

Why the change of person? That's a bit jarring, and I don't really see a reason why you should suddenly switch to second person here. Don't like the repetition of 'eyes' in lines three and four. Also, what flight? That came up way too suddenly. And the next to last line is stretched too much. Nice idea, but awkward execution.

Again, a few bugs, but this is very good as well. You keep the desperate mood going nicely, and introduce some new ideas as well, albeit from a new perspective.


Finally the love of his life leaves him to be,
No longer do they meet, greet or see,
Each other at all,
She's moved way away if I recall,
While he sits on her front porch,
Love is his ever burning torch,
Silent screams and wasted lies,
He took his eyes of the prize.

Simple and effective. You'd think lines three and four would **** me in the earhole, but they work well. No qualms from me.

With M and M gone hes all alone
What he'll do next is unkown
But she gets farther away from him and his life
Who knows if this'll end up alright?

Gah, I need a definite ending, dammit. Give me some closure.

Okay, you have a few structural issues, but those are easily ammended, if you decide to. The main thing that caught my eye is your strong sense of narrative. You seem to know where you're going with your story, and you execute it well. Overall this is a really nice piece of work. Good job.
-Landon
#12
Thanks bunches Landon, I'll try to improve it.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#13
wow theres some at my school that does the same to some guy that goes to another school and her initials are M.M. (megan mower) thats pretty bizzaar,

this song tells a stroy realy well some pretty good ryming in the first vere but i cant picture the song being anything but a ballad but it pretty much acuratly describes girls that do the abusive realationship thing
this girl dumped this guy so she could try to get with some one else but still keeps him around
crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5721211#post5721211
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could someone translate that last post for me please?
#14
Thanks for the nice words Strat, I'll get to yours soon!
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#15
Never can see side two of this tape of deception,
"Because I love her" is no exception.

These lines kick ass!!
Brilliant calvin, once more, an awesome song =P
I reallt like it and what it's about, all i can say for crit is that you could have added abit more about just how much he is addicted to her. 10/10 from me though mate.
I love your work, you know that, and ive yet to see a dissapointing bit of work from you.
franz xxxxxxx
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Use it.
#16
Thanks Franzy you always cheer me up when I'm all melancholy.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.