#1
A wounded resistance running circles around a cause
I forgot
My name and the place I left your number
I'd call if I could
But you know me
Always talking about the way things should be
As if words were more than what we say on the way out the door
You said Hello and sent the silence through the floor
A tiny echo of the past
A future that can't last
You're the only actor in the cast of a play with just one act
Bow out and "Goodbye"
A Hello and a Hi
An off glow in your eyes
I'm just happy it's ending
Last edited by ScarredFaith at May 29, 2006,
#2
wow. [hey im first!]

but sorry i cant give you a helpful crit.

i think it's decent. yea, is this plain poetry or is it lyrics? i think it's pretty short for lyrics though. but if its just a poem, then this is great.

you just had a typo error in here:
As if words where more then what we say on the way out the door
the "where" is supposed to be "were" and "then" is "than".

i really like these lines:
You said Hello and sent the silence through the floor
A tiny echo of the past
A future that can't last


and i like the 3 last lines as your ending.

good job!
#3
"A tiny echo of the past
A future that can't last"

The only faults I could find. I loved this.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#5
I thought this was a bit hit and miss.
What I mean is that some parts were decent ('...silence through the floor') but other parts were very simplistic and bland, 'Hello and a Hi' for example. The variation of rhyme and structure was intelligent though I feel, and added that little bit extra to the story.
I enjoyed it altogether.
#6
Damn CJW, you beat me to this, and you took the words out of my mouth.

Agree with all the above ^^^^^^^^^^^

Like:

A tiny echo of the past
A future that can't last

That seemed good and bad to me at the same time, like I thought it was good, but the rhyming was simplistic and uninspired here. Do you get what I'm saying? cos I'm not too sure myself..

But I thought It was decent. 7/10.