Okay, this is so unlike me so far I couldn't believe I had written it. Found the chorus whilst going through some of my freewrites, and built alongside that, but tried to add some imagery and metephor to this one- enjoy it while it lasts, it's not my favourite way to write. But this was fun to create, and I'd love some good, honest critiscm for it.

Crit for crit, as usual


Well light up my life if your not too dim
Apparently there's brightness ahead
A colour would be that of mud
Or maybe even venetian red
If eyes could talk on seeing life
Misjudged calls would be corrected
Stained shirts and cotton socks
Bleached clean of the infected

Burning sun on the horizon
Im so excited to be alive

Escapade, fortune's made
Come along it's life parade
Escapade, adventure's maid
Come join in it's Escapade
Whoah Whoah Whoah

Well now I'm in the spot above you all
Power gained I'm cool within
Strentghened with a short shock
Powered by adrenaline
My eyes have spoken their pupils many
Finally an asylum found
Pulsing along the ropey tracks
A shelter that we're all abound

Burning sun on the horizon
Im so excited to be alive

Escapade, fortune's made
Come along it's life parade
Escapade, adventure's maid
Come join in it's Escapade
Whoah Whoah Whoah

(There's good music to this bit- really upbeat and fast music)

And Wooah-ooah--oh
Wooah-woah yeh
Yeh yeh yeh

Clearest unclear
It's not like a mirror
More of a window
Just look quick
Then let go

Escapade, fortune's made
Come along it's life parade
Escapade, adventure's maid
Come join in it's Escapade
Whoah Whoah Whoah
hehe. great song, but I laughed at the woah yeos and such. it probably fits, but i have a stupid mind and made it sound funny

damn. i didn't even say anything about it.
anyway, i really like how in th chorus, you have made then mAId. really great sounding
I like how you have almost a pre-chorus?

check out mine? i dont remember if you have or not (sig)
Last edited by skate_guitar at May 29, 2006,
That really is different for you. I must say that it is really good. I like it. If I were you I would try to do this style a little more often. I think that this song would work perfectly with something that sounds like Weezer's "Say It Ain't So". I think it is better than most of your work.

Bard Morons - Treason In A Numismatic World
Thanks for the crits. It really is different for me- maybe you'll see more of that, who knows.

Skate guitar, I've critted you back. Bard Morons, I'm heading over there now...
This is pretty cool. Everything fits together nicely, and it puts you in the right mood. The chorus is really nice too. Great job
I'm not very active here on UG currently.
I'm a retired Supermod off to the greener pastures of the real world.
I like it! I think the chorus is strong, the lyrics are good, (I especially like the first line and all of the first verse for that matter) and it seems to flow rather well. Good job!!!
This appears a lot more interesting than your last one jammy. The four-line rhyming on the chorus probably was a bit unnecessary, but it hasn't made any impact really.

Basically, a mix of intriguing ideas, and the rhyming builds on it quite effectively I think. I'm sure it's an strange and wonderful song to hear.
Wow thanks everyone- the most positive response I've had to a piece so far!

Seems like I've set myself a standard now
i think the first four lines should be a set of two couplets (just my opinion, i like to keep related lines together, like the first four form two couplets cuse of the light / color and the last four of the first stanze related through correcting mistakes)

i really enjoyed the "burning sun..." couplet and the escapade chorus. usually i don't enjoy reccurence in songs but both really suit the nature of the song and the ambition that it shows.

good work man, improvements i can think of are the whoas, haha i hate whoas and moans, its purely my opinion. but i find they drag down the creativeness of a song unless done perefectly, id hafta hear the finished song afterwards.
Thanks Mr. Mcgee.

The woahs etc. were purely put in there as an extra- they don't look great written down, but I was just trying to let the reader know there was some sort of vocal's going on in that break.
ya, just a quick thought that came to me ...maybe something like

if you know what i mean, sneak those in there after the whoa's and stuff. it's just a repitition but with enough passion and force behind it it could fit it quite nicely i think
Yeh thanks for the idea I did have somethin like that at one point but at the time I just felt that it didn't fit quite right. I'll rewrite that bit somewhen anyway.

Thanks again.
i think its really good. i like the chorus and the first verse the best and overall its well written. also has good rhyming.. nice job !
Heyya there

I decided to crit this because I just simply like it. I just like the positive feeling I got after reading this. It sounds like it could be quite the fun track. "I'm so exited to be alive" that's not a deep line, or super original, but I really like it.

"Well light up my life if your not too dim" - This line is deffinitely a keeper.

Sorry I don't have anything else to say, nothing crit wise anyways...that's a good thing! GJ.

If ya could check out mine "Indigo Carmine" in my link, that'd be sweet.
This is a nice and simple bit of songwriting, I can almost imagine you getting excited as the lines flowed out of you. It is one of the only pieces that my heart and head have gotten straight into without having to think too hard. It just smacks of a great song. Like any good song it doen't ask you to do very much; other than enjoy.

Seriously good song

All the best Jammydude44
i think your verses are really strong,
the give a lot to the reader, and make it really interesting,
i dont know if its just me, but it down plays the chorus just a bit
maybe if i could hear it to music it would sound good,
however i must say that over all it is a great song
the type of writing is a cool way to do it,
i need to post more of my stuff now.lol l8r
Thanks alot for the crits. Very glad you liked it.

Seriously good song

Means alot from a writer as skilled as yourself. Thanks.
Well light up my life if your not too dim GREAT INTRO. very clever =P
Thanks for your crit on my song, im sorry to hear about your friend =[
Something about it reminded me of panic! at the disco (im not sure if thats a compliment to you or not, but i think its a good thing)
9/10 from me.
Its fantastic, different, very cleverly written and just plain KICK ASS.
franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.

Meep is a word.
Use it.
I really like that, the ABCB rhyming structure was nicely done and none of it semmed awkward, I didnt like the longer bit of the chorus too much but the 2 lines before were nice. very good piece.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
This reminds me of The Chillis mate. Sorry, haven't got time at the moment, tonight i'll give it a full crit, feel privilaged; it's rare taht i can be arsed!
Thanks caz, was listening to stadium arcadium as I wrote it... love kiedis' songwriting, and frusciante is a musical genius, and flea..and chad... woah, stop me, someone...I could go on all day....