#1
This is a song I'm currently writing (actually 3 part song). It's all (c) to me and ME ONLY! Please do not steal any portion of it as it is my greatest work thus far.

Furthermore, can I get some comments on how it could be improved?


She Who Walks With the Moon
(c)2006 Mitch
__
Part 1: She Who Was

Knew a girl did I,
Who loved the world,
With All Her Crimson Heart.
She'd sing with the birds,
And streams to her did speak.
The clouds shed tears
of joy, on her,
And all the more peace,
The world loved her.

She grew and lived in sunshine,
Bathed in water hot sprung.
And all day did she eat,
The fruits of virgin trees.

Until one day,
Peace was disturbed.
And something new became.
A man with golden locks of hair,
And with the voice of an Angel,
He sang his love to her.
They became inseparable,
As a flower and bee.
Their Love,
As pure as cleansing rain.

And all her world
Saw it's queen,
Living in new realms.
The man had tempted her
Away form it.

And as the world became jealous,
The birds sang only mute,
The streams only whispered,
The clouds, now cried,
in sadness.

And in the night that she did fall
deeply, deeply in love.
The very world did open,
And swallowed the man right
Out of her embrace.

In the morning she awoke,
The shy was of a night,
Never to see or feel love again.
Never would the sun rise.
Never would the moon fall.
Never would the stream freeze,
In winter joy.

No.
The summer night would last forever.
And the Cloud's tears were a shadow
To the tear that slip down her mortal cheek.
Alone.
And now she walks with the moon.

Part 2: He That Loved Her

He saw the clock
In white shadows.
The wind blew in fog
To the harbor.
Rang did the bells,
Raising the hells
That lived with rage
Inside him.

The sun shone,
But no one could see
Its brightly colored flairs.
The dulling sounds of waves
To nullify.
As minds began to wander.

He kicked a crate,
The wind on face,
And took his anger out.
But as time passed,
Nothing could last,
For she was still of the dead.

In few days they?d spent,
In dreams and in love,
Where lost as he woke.
To find himself anew
Place where he?d already been.

Never again will he see,
Her face pale as white snow.
And night came to the lagoon.
And now she walks with the moon.

Part 3: The Moon

Watched did it, as they,
Rose and fell,
Lives whose paths had crossed.
In a nirvana,
The world which it rounds,
Swallowed him out
Of her grasp.

And now she walks with the moon.
The night it brings,
Comforts her broken heart.
In sorrow forever,
In sorrow.

Live long, live long,
Don?t run, crawl or slow,
For you?re footsteps
Remind you of time.

And now she walks with the moon.
Last edited by BlueHonu at May 30, 2006,
#2
That was ****ing brilliant.

He saw the clock
In white shadows.
The wind blew in fog
To the harbor.

I thought that part was the best. I can't really think of any way to improve it. So this post is probably fairly pointless. Oh well. Just in case you really wanted someone to just say 'That was ****ing brilliant'.

Anywaaaaaaaaay, now I've sort-of critted yours, you want to crit mine, don't you?
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#3
that was excellent, makes me want to stay with doing instrumentals...

now...something to criticize... ... I think you used 'anew' as opposed to 'a new'
#5
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT, as they said.
I liked this very, very much.
You've got quite a talent, definitely keep it up!
I can't find anything on this to crit, I loved it all truly.
Very very nice work, I look forward to seeing more from you!
FinestImagery
...Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein...