#1
A pretty **** song I wrote. Just looking for some people to comment it.
Crit for crit, if you want.

If you're wondering, its metal.

"That Which is Granted Eternal Life"

Fear rising, taking the daylight
Mist escapes from the cracks in the earth.
Insatiable hunger and blinding hate take dominance
Of the unsuspecting residents.
To find comfort in that which repulses the ordinary.
To be driven insane by that which drives away madness.

We took your strength, we took your minds
Recreated our blackened finds
We took your past, we took your future
We took your life
We took your greif, we took your disease
Inherited your disabilities
We took your pain, we took your hunger
We took your life

Confusion clouding vision
Of the nature of life itself.
The threshold is reached, the mist flows
Over the paths the dead chose.
To be ressurected by the giving of anothers life
To be replenished by the dealing of greif.

We took your strength, we took your minds
Recreated our blackened finds
We took your past, we took your future
We took your life
We took your greif, we took your disease
Inherited your disabilities
We took your pain, we took your hunger
We took your life

That which is granted eternal life
Is that which prays for death to come.
Pain is not distributed freely.

To be the only one given
that which you do not desire.
To be given that which you beg
to be taken away.
To be the only follower
of the true meaning.
To be the lifeline of the soul,
that which is dead itself.

That which is considered unpure
Is that which now gives life.
That which has been impaired for centuries
Has finally revealed itself.
That which can no longer supress itself
Lets the instinct run free.
That which is granted eternal life
Is that which prays for death to come.

man is empty
his skin is grey
his mouth is dry
his eyes are glazed
his hollow truth and cunning stare
he sends the true into despair
his skin is cold but moves with life
his mouth emits these chilling cries
he draws them in with false light
he fouls their blood with his black sight
man is hollow
his skin is grey
his mouth is dry
his eyes are glazed
his life is gone
his mind enchained
his flesh wounded
he feels no pain
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
Last edited by whalepudding at May 30, 2006,
#2
I don't know much about metal music mate, but I'll try and help as best I can.

The first stanza looks good. It's well written and is a promising set-up for the rest of the song.
The chorus bit which comes next isn't quite so good for me, but that might be because this ain't my style. It's certainly a consistent continuation.

Having read the rest of the piece in its entireity, I think that your message becomes a bit too blunt and angry. Generally it's alright up until the last stanza, where the repetition really takes away from what you're saying.

Overall I thought it was well written, but probably too metal for me. Keep on writing.

Could you check out the piece in my sig' if you get the time? Thanks.
#3
I love the ideas are prestented; I love the way you used good and bad as the opposites. It could be a very powerful song given the right music. I can imagine it kind of a system of a down feeling... not eactly sure what style you're aiming at though, so don't take that wrong. My fav lines are the chorus and :"We Took Your Life".

Constructive crit: make sure that the music lives up to these lyrics because they are awsome, but if you don't have the backing music, they'd be wasted.

The Pits are waiting my friend! Good Work