#1
my new song.. crit 4 crit and im taking suggestions for titles


I can feel my knees giving out
While im running from this town
and their screaming out, "Dont pull it, dont pull it!"
as the sun is rising now
over these tree lined mountains

I hear their screams, i understand
but this feeling is overwhelming, its over taking me.
I dont think i can stop it

My knees, are long gone now
i continue running but how ?
their still shouting out, "Dont pull it, dont pull it!"
as the sun is setting down
behind this river, clear...

i hear their screams, i dont comprehend
because this feeling is infiltrating, its complicating
theres now way i can stop it.

Everything is lost now
nothing left to run from
their yelling out, "he pulled it, he pulled it.."
the sun lays down to rest
and so.. do.. I...

Their screams now disappear, I cant hear
this feeling made me quake, it killed me
I couldnt stop it...
#2
Weird, in a good way.


because this feeling is infiltrating, its complicating


I liked that line.

I think the title you have atm is a good enough title. I have no problems with it.

The repeated dialogue- would it be shouted, screamed, said? It did begin to get a bit tedious, although I'm guessing that's something you want to keep in.

Good luck with this.

I'd appreciate if you could crit back. "Escapade" is in my sig.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 30, 2006,
#3
Not your typical suicide song and that counts for something. On the whole I think that this is a topic that has been beaten to death (excuse the pun) but I think that lyrically this is solid. It's nice with the mountain imagry and I think that the overall flow and scheme are well done. So overall, not bad, I'm just not a huge fan of this topic, too hard to bring original content to it.
#6
i understand how u could get that kind of vibe from it.. when i wrote it i wanted different people to be able to interpret the "feeling" as whatever they were feeling at the moment, so its whatever you want it to be and however you feel.. as long as its a good song and well written, lol. its about love because i love a girl that everyone says i should stay away from and all that, thats where the "and there screaming out, dont pull it, dont pull it" parts come from
Last edited by pollins1989 at May 30, 2006,
#7
Excellent, you are sort of using a grenade as metaphor?

Sounds to me like you're discouraging yourself from her as well because the feeling kills you?

I have to say I relly liked it though. Not much to say that would help, besides go through and edit little typo mistakes.
Well executed on the subject too, original to say the least.
#8
wow... until i read the comments i thought it was a suicide one too. thats what kept me reading this... i think i like it better a a suicide song... ireally like this though keep it up dude
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#9
Pretty good little song bud. It has a nice slow bluesy feel to me, but that's just me.

It has a nice beginning and leads the reader straight into it. I guess it is because I have a blues tune in my head to this, but I would stick an old b4 town.
I would also be tempted, in 2nd, to change it's over taking me to it's taking me over.
And personally I would drop the last stanza and end on so.. do ..I. It has a nice finishing touch.

Nice work mate
All the best pollins1989
#10
i must say, this piece had me guessing at first,
i guess thats what i really liked about it, instead of going out and
saying love and all that stuff, u went deeper
i think its very well written, wut music do u plan
to put it to?
#11
well i love acoustic stuff, so most likely an acoustic type song ? still trying to come up with music to put to it.. thats where i always have trouble with my songs
#12
this is a nicely done. i really like it. a different way of describing something that has been done numerous times. keep up the good work

"because this feeling is infiltrating, its complicating"

i love that line too by the way hahaha. excellent use of words to rhyme
#13
as my english teacher once said to me "your a melodramatic sledgehammer"
songs: Left Behind choices
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