Page 1 of 2
#1
Hey guys. Im crit for crit. The songs about a car crash Its got a fightstar sound to it, so if you can imagine that.


I'm praying for sweet release.
I'm waving a white flag offering peace
But your'e already on the road
seeking revenge cuz somebody owe's you

You take, your eyes, off of, the road,
You take, your eyes, off of, the road,
You take, your eyes, your eyes...


Im screaming for sweet release
Im waving a white flag, demanding peace
But you're already on the road
Driving too fast now - somebody owes you

And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, your eyes...


You shake, the thoughts, out of, your head
you make, the best, of seeing red,
you take, your hands, off of, the wheel
you wipe, your brow, and now, you feel..
Youve lost, control, let go, the wheel.....

And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, your eyes...
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#2
It's really good except for the last lines in the verses: "seeking revenge cuz somebody owe's you" and "Driving too fast now - somebody owes you." maybe if they ryhmed a little better somehow with out the "you" at the end, it would sound better. Otherwise, a great song, 8/10.
#3
Reminds of "Wonderwall" by Oasis 'cuz of its weird format.Lovin' this peive here Franz, one of your better peices in my mind. You start building up the feeling in the first verse and it lends a helping hand to the rest of this song. Jumping on into the chorus, which is good but in between the 2 and 3 lines I think you should add one more line just to establish the feeling. The last verse bit here shows what it would be like if you were about to crash, which I like because it shows a certain uniqueness and gets a good grasp on imagery. Overall Franz, another good peice by you! I'll give you a 9/10 'cuz I like it so much. :
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#4
Good peice, simple yet effective. The chorus needs a rhyme change in it to improve the flow in my opinion. Here is what I think may work better.

But your'e already on the road
seeking revenge cuz somebody's owed

But its your song and your tune so do with this as you will. Give me some feed back on some of my stuff.

KRock
#5
Nice stuff Franz
Reminds me of a song i wrote called 54 miles, all about road rage sort of thing.
Yeah, it's one of your better pieces; really well written. I can imagine the chorus being great when you perform it live!

Congrats

EDIT: Would you mind taking a look at mine? Your a friendly face to crit my songs https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at May 31, 2006,
#6
Franz, you brought a tear to my eye with that. I lost a friend to a road accident yesterday (I've just got back from placing down my flowers) and this just moved me.

I can totally see the chorus being performed- would be excellent live. I really liked the third stanza flow- unique.

Good stuff, once more.

If you could crit back, "Escapade" is in my sig.

ETA: My bad I didn't give much crit there. I thought the repeat of wheel in the third stanza, although effective, was a bit of a weakness. And you are is shortened to "you're" not "your'e".
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 31, 2006,
#7
Thankyou so much to everyone thats critted, rockon1824,calvinTHEEcanadi,kindenrock,caz-guitar-dude, and jammydude44.
I appreciate it so much. Ive crited back all your songs.
Yeah the lines youz are referring to that dont fit were really hard going actually, but i like the ideas you came up with to change it.
franz xxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
I didnt really like ti that much, the "release" "peace" rhyme really niggles at me, and it didnt seem overall to have anything really that beautiful, poetic, or interesting in it. I'd describe it as solid. 7/10
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#9
okies. Fair enough =P thankyou for your crit.
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#10
I like it. It seems as if there is a meaning outside of the car crash to it. It is as though this song is really about a person giving up on life or becoming apathetic. Thats just kind of what I got out of it. I personally like the fact that it doesnt rhyme perfect. If I were you I would not change any of the rhymes.

Sorry this is so late.
#11
Thankyou for your crit bardmorons. I see what you meen with the whole other meaning =]
thanks for reading.

xxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#12
hey this was really good...i like the parts that were repetitive.8/10

p.s. please crit mine!(perpetual nostalgia)
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#13
sure mate, thanks for the crit. xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#14
i thought this was awesome and definatley ur best.

the similarity between the two verses really fits and then that 3rd verse or bridge was just the best part of the song, i can really picture how it would flow with music too

good stuff

no need for a crit back i hav nothing new up anywhaere

Timmy C
A MINOR PRIZE
#15
My best peice? Really? awwww shucks..
thanx guys xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#16
This just smacks of a good song, great flow and simple ideas and rhyme.
That's it really, Good luck mate.

All the best Franz
#17
I like this song! I can only imagine how awesome it will sound and how it would be played live. I wouldn't change anything- it's great.
#18
thankyou yopu smexy people.
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#19
I like this alot. I htink this would sound great playin slow acoustic guitar...that would be great. lol overall 8 or 9/10
#20
=P much appreciated. Yeah the song would work out as either acoustic or rock im thinking...
*gets guitar out*
*fails to get anything good*
*gets bass out*
ETC
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#21
That was pretty good! When I was reading it I had images in my head like it's a story or a song perfect for a music video! 8/10
#22
i didnt read the thing about the car crash at first, i thought it was masturbation
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#23
Quote by franz.d.


I'm praying for sweet release.
I'm waving a white flag offering peace
But your'e already on the road
seeking revenge cuz somebody owe's you

Hm. And iffy introduction. I loked the first two lines, but the last two came off as a bit, forced, almost?

You take, your eyes, off of, the road,
You take, your eyes, off of, the road,
You take, your eyes, your eyes...


I'm assuming that in order to get the full effect of this part I would have to hear the actual music and the vocal delivery, melody, etc - but on paper it just looks dull and repetitive.

Im screaming for sweet release
Im waving a white flag, demanding peace
But you're already on the road
Driving too fast now - somebody owes you

See my comments for this same stanza above.

And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, your eyes...


^^^^

You shake, the thoughts, out of, your head
you make, the best, of seeing red,
you take, your hands, off of, the wheel
you wipe, your brow, and now, you feel..
Youve lost, control, let go, the wheel.....

The 'seeing red' part is really, I hate to be blunt - but cliche. The last two lines I do like though, they add suspense.

And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, off of, the road,
And take, your eyes, your eyes...


^^^^^^


Overall, It really could use some work - but like I mentioned earlier I imagine that in order to get the full impact I would have to hear the music. There were certain aspects I did like, for example your building of suspese, but some parts came of corny and forced. Keep writing through, broseph!

Check out my piece - Bad Mother Facebreaker
#24
I like it, but in the third verse it feels like to many commas, but id leave it the way it is.
#25
I like it. It has an interesting theme that I don't see much in music now. Some of the rhymes could be done better, but overall a great pice.
8.5/10

Check out mine will you? its a bit further down on the page
#26
=p thankyou for your crits guyzeez.
I really didnt think id slipped any clishe in there...but there you go!
Thanks xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#27
Yo whats happening?

Well I liked it except for the first 3 sections your pretty much only getting two, other than that I can't complain. Good job
#28
This was really rad. I especially love the last verse, and the chorus would just be fanatastic live to shout out. I read it as if it had a punk-like feel to it. No problems with it at all. Good job.
#29
Quote by Bard Morons
I like it. It seems as if there is a meaning outside of the car crash to it. It is as though this song is really about a person giving up on life or becoming apathetic. Thats just kind of what I got out of it. I personally like the fact that it doesnt rhyme perfect. If I were you I would not change any of the rhymes.

Sorry this is so late.


I was just about to post pretty much exactly what he said. Good stuff, very well written, I'd give it 9/10, but that's just because there's no such thing as a perfect song.

If you can find some time, please read my song:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370922
Rig

Jackson DK2M -> ISP Decimator -> Peavey 6505 Combo
#30
Thankyou all =P il get to yer songs asap =P



xxfranz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#32
Awwww caz_guitar_dude
You nearly made me cry!!! I crit ur songs!!!!

And the song being about masturbation....?
*CONFUSED*
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#33
that was really good, allthough im not the best at analysing stuff like this. (allthough i have my english poetry exam later ) 8/10
i liked the chorus
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#34
Why thankyou =P
Goodluck with your english exam!!!

franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#35
I liked it. the chorus is so simple, but works great! Really a nice song, I'd say the only bad thing is some of the rhyming.
So other then that, probably a 9/10
#36
Ye it seems that it would work brilliantly as a live song...however i got slightly confused at the start when you said it was about a car crash and in the first line were the words 'sweet release', which made me think of something far from a car crash...but then again that's probably just my sleep deprived state...so good one...a high 8/10

EDIT: I realised this wasn't much of a crit really, I think I was just a bit tired, so here's a bit of a better one.

I liked the third verse becasue it was significantly different to the other two, and i really liked the line about 'seeing red', I felt that this was a good use of a phrase which has become cliched, and i felt that the repition was what the song was based around as if you decided after the first verse chorus that 'ye that sounds good, lets have that again but slightly different'. I'm not saying this is a bad thing and it does work in this particular song...still a high 8/10 though, if you wouldn't mind having a look at mine please...its called 'You can't draw a line under my heels' cheers
Last edited by Burpbelly at Jun 9, 2006,
#37
Okay, so its pretty obvious these lyrics are built around repetition, monotony, and overcoming that in the form of your 'crash'. I actually really like the idea, and your execution of it is excellent. so what could possibly be bad about it? The truth is, I dont really know, but after reading it I was left a mettalic (In a bad way) taste about it. I think it might of been that pure repetition that made it. Maybe, just maybe, that repitition was too one-dimensional and there could be a better way to go about it? I believe that if you subtlety change some key lines (such as the second line in the chorus) very, and I mean very subtlety and wittily with some word play, you make this so much more multi-faceted. Either way though, this is the best I've seen from you, good job Keep on writing.
#38
I think this song was good but you might wanna add more lines to it and make it different. Besides that I would give it 7/10.
Crit my song Ignorance of the Safe
Ignorance of the Safe
#39
oooh, thankyou guys. Il keep working on it, i do believe its unfinished.
xxfranz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#40
WOW,360 people have viewed this........why does that scare me a little...?
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
Page 1 of 2