#1
guess whos back? ... thats right, its me (not that anyone cared about my elimination-thread ban or anything) and I've written a hell of alot of stuff in the past week. I have noticed that Will (HendrixEdge) hasnt been on for awhile and i believe he is gone for good, this is my ode to his brilliance and a goodbye, even if he really isnt gone. besides, it was fun to write it. Crit for crit. my question about this piece: is it any good?

My Happy Sorrow; The Sun Has Come


Chalk caricatures stare between
Rainbowed brows, and up from bitter mortar;
They gaze into each charter?d wick,
And judge the martyred ?marrow. They,
Father?d into sidewalk?s sin and pressed to a scented candle,
With flaming bliss and a flaming kiss,
Reveal their sketched out burning lips
And limbs drawn in man-made whim.

Unsullied sights, imagination,
That I tread as my unbridled atlas.
In my path to figure out the structure
And ambiance of innocent
Revelations turning under their feathered pillows
And his exhausted nativity.

Inverted Spotlight and curve of street
Winding down until they meet in
My wisp of waning trail, I tread.
While Shade shifts to subtle fracture,
And I hide in passing tumbleweeds of hail,
Here day comes; and
As luminescence pushes the braying smoke to the sky,
Here day comes,
Illuminating the quivering limbs under
Existence?s veranda, warranting daybreak?s end.

?O lord,
Wish me safe passage to the rows of incandescent dandelion,
Far beneath the color wheel?s waning craic.?

Here day comes.
Goodbye Will,
Goodbye inspiration
Goodbye night

#2
Glad to see you back synthy! I didn't know you'd been eliminated, I thought you had been overly naugthy and banned the good old way


My Happy Sorrow; The Sun Has Come


Chalk caricatures stare between
Rainbowed brows, and up from bitter mortar;
They gaze into each charter?d wick,
And judge the martyred ?marrow. They,
Father?d into sidewalk?s sin and pressed to a scented candle,
With flaming bliss and a flaming kiss,
Reveal their sketched out burning lips
And limbs drawn in man-made whim.

The imagery was dramatic and well developed. Truly a fitting stanza

Unsullied sights, imagination,
That I tread as my unbridled atlas.
In my path to figure out the structure
And ambiance of innocent
Revelations turning under their feathered pillows
And his exhausted nativity.
The flow here is what caught my eye. Great. Syrupy. Very appropriate to Will's writing.
Inverted Spotlight and curve of street
Winding down until they meet in
My wisp of waning trail, I tread.
While Shade shifts to subtle fracture,
And I hide in passing tumbleweeds of hail,
Here day comes; and
As luminescence pushes the braying smoke to the sky,
Here day comes,
Illuminating the quivering limbs under
Existence?s veranda, warranting daybreak?s end.
The poet is Nature's true philosopher as well as a bringer of light. Once again befitting imagery, crisp and deep.
?O lord,
Wish me safe passage to the rows of incandescent dandelion,
Far beneath the color wheel?s waning craic.?
brilliant!!!! The assonance and all the craic.
Here day comes.
Goodbye Will,
Goodbye inspiration
Goodbye night


Great stuff, a worthy tribute! Will still comes on every once in a while, he just doesn't feel like posting his material anymore. It's too bad, I know a lot of us really appreciated his material.

If you have a minute, be sure to check out my newest piece https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365754 If you missed the piece before this one, The Bell, it's worth a look, links up a lot with this one.
#4
This is one of the best things I've read from you, or many other writers on here.

There were a lot of GENIUS lines, but I especially loved:

With flaming bliss and a flaming kiss,
Reveal their sketched out burning lips
And limbs drawn in man-made whim.

That is just... wow. You really blew me away, I have no other comments. A fitting tribute.
#5
Pooch: I think your my new favorite writer on the board.

Crusader: I'm gonna cut you a break this time and crit one of your pieces, but in the future please leave a longer crit.

Ret: thank you, all of that truly means alot to me
#6

My Happy Sorrow; The Sun Has Come


Chalk caricatures stare between
Rainbowed brows, and up from bitter mortar;
They gaze into each charter?d wick,
And judge the martyred ?marrow. They,
Father?d into sidewalk?s sin and pressed to a scented candle,
With flaming bliss and a flaming kiss,
Reveal their sketched out burning lips
And limbs drawn in man-made whim.

You started the piece great, it painted a picture with its imagery and good diction. It had a really good internal rhyme in line 5. good job

Unsullied sights, imagination,
That I tread as my unbridled atlas.
In my path to figure out the structure
And ambiance of innocent
Revelations turning under their feathered pillows
And his exhausted nativity.

You continue the good diction in this stanza as well, which is understandable, since this is an ode to Will.

Inverted Spotlight and curve of street
Winding down until they meet in
My wisp of waning trail, I tread.
While Shade shifts to subtle fracture,
And I hide in passing tumbleweeds of hail,
Here day comes; and
As luminescence pushes the braying smoke to the sky,
Here day comes,
Illuminating the quivering limbs under
Existence?s veranda, warranting daybreak?s end.

The Imagery is really strong in this stanza, It also flowed very well

?O lord,
Wish me safe passage to the rows of incandescent dandelion,
Far beneath the color wheel?s waning craic.?

Here day comes.
Goodbye Will,
Goodbye inspiration
Goodbye night



This was a very good, and thoughtful ode, you definitely expressed Will's style of writing. On a sidenote, I noticed some of the words are the ones required in the 10 words comp... you better not use this piece or else im screwed good job

please crit one of the pieces in my sig
#8
would you suggest I scrap it completely (the stanza)? cause I'm getting the feeling its not really needed.

Edit: and did people pick up on the double meaning in the 'Goodbye Will' line. Like not solely the person, but also the attribute.
Last edited by #1 synth at May 31, 2006,
#9
This is a great idea from you #1, and you've definitley captured Will's style in places, especially at the beginning I felt.

Second stanza - my vote would be to get rid of it. It doesn't appear to hold too much relevance compared to the rest of the piece.

The vocabulary, although impressive, didn't quite have the some stretch and consistency of Mr. Edge's, although you can hardly be blamed for that.

The ending is pretty clever methinks, and does its job well.

Altogether synth, this is an impressive bit of work, and I'm confident Will would be flattered by it. Good one.

If you could look at my 'Perplexities' piece when you get time, that'd be fantastic.
Last edited by CJW at Jun 1, 2006,
#10
Nice to see you back rainman; thats because of one of your posts; not because you are a babbling genius; but then again after some of your works hhmmmmm

Nice piece here again, and very decent of you to show such grace to Will. I can imagine him coming to this and giving it a real blunt bashing, for a laugh.

Inverted Spotlight and curve of street

The third stanza, to me, is the best piece of writing from you ever, it smacks of quality and aura. It flows(as does the whole piece) marvellously and offers no escape from excellence.
I love the first line, highlighted above(very official), It kinda tells me that he would ignore all the fame and fortune and never go on the straight and narrow path. The whole poem is great from scalp to feet. I might be tempted to call it; Hue Heathered Bastard.

Great work bud
All the best #1synth ( how many more times am I gonna have to delete the exclamation mark I always put in instead of the 1 On your name, answers on a postcard to.................)
#11
well, it was good. to be honest, i'm not a huge fan of extremely poetic pieces like this. i never really enjoyed any of hendrixedge's stuff. none of it ever really seemed like it would fit, as a song. its great poetry, thats true, but its not something i can read. it reminds me of something i would be forced to read in english class, or something.

but anyway, this just isn't my kind of thing, its great, but i don't know, i'm reading it, but i'm not fully grasping what its saying. no matter how many times i run through it again, i can't make it make sense. i really suck at critting.
#12
Will was a poet, not a songwriter mainly, but he was ridiculously over pretentious (hmmmm, everyone is using the past tense). Nice poem, love the first stanza. I read it, was about to go onto the next stanza and suddenly went, "whoa..."
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#13
is this good? this is fucking Awesome!! (excuse my french) i really loved it. but to be honest, im not really into this style either, and just like system, im not a fan of hendrixedge's work, no offense. but this was really good. i just loved the flow and the vocabulary. the last stanza was brilliant, imo. overall, great job and keep up the good work. Glad to see you back! im sorry, i know i didn't really critique anything, this is just my two cents.
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#14
Quote by system
it reminds me of something i would be forced to read in english class, or something.


thank you, thats exactly what i was going for, in fact thats the best compliment someone could give. The style, which you all seem to link to Will, was actually not inspired by him at all (well, maybe indirectly and it worked out well for my purposes that it was vaguely the same) It was tailored much more to the style of Yeats who is one of the greatest writers I have ever read, if Will falls into that same style of excellence that I love so well, it is by mere coincidence. That being said, this was not to solely imatate another's style, It was really just a way for me to dabble into different ideas, apply them to my own learning and provide a semi-suitable piece to respect the 'passing away' of a man, in this case Will. I believe i accomplished my goals more or less.

If you enjoyed this style then thats rather unfortunate for I will be definitely leaning towards much more simplistic and natural things (it is summer after all) and my inspiration is ussually dependent on my surroundings.

Glenn: you are the greatest flatterer ever you must get all the girls

dnjoe: I live for creating that 'whoa' feeling

System: again, thats the best compliment i could have asked for this paticular piece

Foxy: well, thats two more cents than i had before
#15
Hmm. I guess I would have written something like:

"Come back when you have something to write about" as a tribute. But that's just me.

Regardless, re-read Retribution's post to get my thoughts. I loved it.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#16
lol Petey, classic.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#17
Pooch: I think your my new favorite writer on the board.

Crusader: I'm gonna cut you a break this time and crit one of your pieces, but in the future please leave a longer crit.

Ret: thank you, all of that truly means alot to me


Yeah, you tell him buddy.

Anyways, this looks really great, I'll take a closer look at it sometime in the near future.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#19
Brilliant, fantastic, amazing, bravo

A more than suitable send off for Will (if he's gone). Very William like, am i right or am i right? Your vocabulary wasn't quite up with the man's himself but it was hardly necessary. There's not really an awful lot that i can say that either has been said already or unecessary criticisms.

Wonderfully written for all the reasons that have been mentioned.

Would you mind a look at mine please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749
#21
Petey, I have just laughed my ass off, I hope your happy, no more ass for me, way to go jerk.


There are implants for that. Don't worry, assless or not, I still love you shnookums.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary