#1
we're coming down from the stairs,
uncomfortable lying in bed with the stories.
[saying goodbye to characters in the screen]
we skipped the street, their introductions
and they loved how our eyes fluttered from lack of focus.



held tight to the memory escaping from distance,
[left our arms, our tattooed shame across wrists,
but covered with gloves made out of each other's hands,
kept us warm, left the ink unsettled and scratched it out
for each other until our hands were bloody,
but in their bright red revelation,
finally proud.]

the moon that drags us home,
darkness begs us not to speak,
leaves us in the stereo with a song.
the eyes that drag themselves away,
didn't want to, this was only
what was necessary
[to get myself home].

((this is the final stretch of highway before my exit
and the neighborhood i know and hate so well.))


i hope this will be the song that drives you home.
this will be the chord that slides you into sleep.
the final note rings out, the doors are unlocked,
turn off the lights and climb under bedsheets.

this song will lead you home.
#2
ooooooo, it looks like someone really wants to prove a point by utilizing alternate stanza-forms to signify change, growth, and or destiny. It looks delectable and i will leave a sufficient crit when i arrive home

... well, I'm home:

we're coming down from the stairs, I feel the 'from' is unescesary and the line would work without it but besides that its a brilliant start
uncomfortableI would put a comma here lying in bed with the stories.
[saying goodbye to characters in the screen] mysterious and rather vague, intriguing
we skipped the street, their introductions
and they loved how our eyes fluttered from lack of focus.excellent way to advance story while still leaving time for imagery, still very mysterious


confused by this as I thought you were going to connect the ideas in the different brackets but now i feel as if its more of a 'Authors note' kinda thing, again, intriguing
held tight to the memory escaping from distance,
[left our arms, our tattooed shame across wrists,
but covered with gloves made out of each other's hands,
kept us warm, left the ink unsettled and scratched it out
for each other until our hands were bloody,
but in their bright red revelation,
finally proud.] I like thecontrast between the mundane 'reality' and the world withing the brackets, whatever that is

the moon that drags us home,
darkness begs us not to speak, for some reason i'm getting a driving-home-after-a-night-after-hot-passion sense from this, its kinda weird, but so is the rest of the piece
leaves us in the stereo with a song.
the eyes that drag themselves away,
didn't want to, this was only
what was necessary
[to get myself home].still excellent contrast. I must say I love your style, one of the smoothest I've seen on this board since ThePickups

((this is the final stretch of highway before my exit
and the neighborhood i know and hate so well.)) seems like too much transition too fast, I think you need a buffer stanza. I'm enjoying what you did with the double parentheses, it rather shows a greater sense of chaos

i hope this will be the song that drives you home.
this will be the chord that slides you into sleep.
the final note rings out, the doors are unlocked,
turn off the lights and climb under bedsheets.

this song will lead you home.

sorry I have nothing to say... its just brilliant. Though I'm afraid some might just chastize you because of you being 'too artsy' I'm going to assume everything you did was for a reason and to that I commend you. O, and I stick to my original thoughts of the form you used and how you utilized it.

if you wouldnt mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368250
Last edited by #1 synth at May 30, 2006,
#3
I'll give you one idea, try using a little more complex language. Not an overload of it, but just a few new words that would fit in well and tie into the piece with maybe multiple meanings.
#4
Im not very good with crits so i wont waste your time trying to pick out bits i dont like, but i will tell you that i absolutely loved reading this! it was very well written and i personally wouldnt change anything.
good job!
#6
i have nothing to say lol.. everyone else said it all, very well written piece and it had a good flow that made me enjoy reading it, and if u dont mind, could u crit my song "the sun now rests" thanks bro
#7
we're coming down from the stairs,you don't need the from, it sounds silly
uncomfortable lying in bed with the stories.
[saying goodbye to characters in the screen]Cool.
we skipped the street, their introductions
and they loved how our eyes fluttered from lack of focus.this makes me think youo're high, but I look at it again it sounds like you're really in love. interesting. Anyways, I loved that line



held tight to the memory escaping from distance,
[left our arms, our tattooed shame across wrists,
but covered with gloves made out of each other's hands,
kept us warm, left the ink unsettled and scratched it out
for each other until our hands were bloody,
but in their bright red revelation,
finally proud.]I really hope nobody calls you emo for this, it's really deep and I relate, not that I scratch my tatoos off, but I understand. I'm guessing this means you feel so comfortable around eachother that you don't have any shame anymore.

the moon that drags us home,
darkness begs us not to speak,
leaves us in the stereo with a song.
the eyes that drag themselves away,
didn't want to, this was only
what was necessary
[to get myself home].Oh my god. That was brilliant.

((this is the final stretch of highway before my exit
and the neighborhood i know and hate so well.))I'd take out the 'so well', it's unnecessary, you're changing the ol' "know and love" to "know and hate" so keep it know and hate.

i hope this will be the song that drives you home.
this will be the chord that slides you into sleep.
the final note rings out, the doors are unlocked,
turn off the lights and climb under bedsheets.

this song will lead you home.Magnificent ending! The whole stanza before as well.

Top notch ol' chap.
Really loved the style, you executed the subject incredibly well. Keep it up. That's exactly how I wish I could write.

Check out one of the ones in my sig, or
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365790
Thanks.
#9
this was a really strong piece, the only negative i have is the second stanza, i really didn't like it. i'd just do away with it, but apart from that it was areally really strong piece.
Quote by emomints
Green day have to be one of the biggest emo bands in the world (and I still love them). Which do you lot think is there most emo song 'coz me and my friend can't decide lol