#1
We lay together
Under thin sheets
Sprawled across this twin bed
With the windows open to the humid summer night

The glow off the TV keeps the room lit
But we hear nothing but muffled noises
That we both ignore
The only words that have my attention are yours

We both know that all this back round is just a waste
None of this will matter tomorrow except the late night talk
And the story and secrets that were shared

But this movie will die down
And the credits will role
We will still be here in the dark
With only the sound of the streets and our words
We will find some time to sleep
In were we will ride waves in this bed
Under a Rosy moon

And in the morning we will kiss
And close this window
For these waves have left us drenched
#2
Quote by frd_marshll

We lay together
Under thin sheets
Sprawled across this twin bed
With the windows open to the humid summer night

I thought this was a good opening, I would find some way to make the last line a bit shorter, it kind of disturbs the flow

The glow off the TV keeps the room lit
But we hear nothing but muffled noises
That we both ignore
The only words that have my attention are yours

Another good stanza, I liked the rhyme between the two last lines, it doesn't seem forced.

We both know that all this back round is just a waste
None of this will matter tomorrow except the late night talk
And the story and secrets that were shared

I think you meant "background" but other than that it is good

But this movie will die down
And the credits will role
We will still be here in the dark
With only the sound of the streets and our words
We will find some time to sleep
In were we will ride waves in this bed
Under a Rosy moon

This is the best stanza, this has the greatest imagery and diction.


And in the morning we will kiss
And close this window
For these waves have left us drenched


Overall, I found this to be a good piece, the flow was disturbed at points, but it had nice imagery and diction. good job

please crit one of the pieces in my sig
#3
Just so you know, I think the title makes no sense.
Last edited by thepickups at May 31, 2006,
#5
just some quick things to point out on one read through:

We lay together
Under thin sheets
Sprawled across this twin bed
With the windows open to the humid summer night

The glow off the TV keeps the room lit
But we hear nothing but muffled noises
That we both ignore
The only words that have my attention are yours

--THE LAST LINE IS TERRIBLE. YOU'VE SPENT SO MUCH ENERGY AND CREATIVITY TAKING AN OTHERWISE OVERDONE SUBJECT AND MADE IT YOURS, EXCEPT THAT LAST LINE ...

We both know that all this back round is just a waste
None of this will matter tomorrow except the late night talk
And the story and secrets that were shared

--NOT A HUGE FAN OF THIS STANZA, BUT THE LAST LINE SHOWS MUCH PROMISE.

But this movie will die down
And the credits will role
We will still be here in the dark
With only the sound of the streets and our words
We will find some time to sleep
In were we will ride waves in this bed
Under a Rosy moon

--FIRST TWO LINES ARE PRETTY COOL. SECOND TO LAST LINE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME

And in the morning we will kiss
And close this window
For these waves have left us drenched

Good peice, in that for the most part has good imagery. It was just alright for me though.
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