#1
okay... i thought i'd give this whole writing thing a try. critique mine, and i'll critique your, nam sayin? gosh, do my thoughts reek of clichéed lines, or what...

Happily Never After...

Verse 1
Good morning, sunshine
Good riddance to the night time
Where thoughts reek of clichéed lines
Where lives are lost in teenage minds

Verse 2
Today will be a good day
Today we'll sit under the sunlight
Where forgiveness lies in heat
Where kisses will be a treat

Pre-Chorus
But tomorrow holds no security
And tomorrow where are we gonna be?

Chorus
(Happily never after)
Is our fairy tale ending
(Happily never after)
This is only the beginning
Of endless "why's?" and sleepless nights
(Happily never after)
This is my life.

Verse 3
For now, I think I'll be a good girl
For now, I think I'll wait my turn to speak
To tell you, that I love you
To tell you there's no one else above you

Pre-Chorus - Chorus

Bridge
My belief that time breaks love
Brings me to realize that you're not in love
My realization that time breaks love
Brings me to believe that you're not in love
With me.

Chorus

Ending
Where are we going to be?
Because tomorrow holds no security.
Last edited by girl-tarist at May 31, 2006,
#2
it's ok, it looks like the kind of peice that would really benefit from some carefully re-crafted lines. for example, its kind of a love style poem so the last line could read "Because tomorow holds no security" or something like "Security lies not within the arms of tomorow" (running with the whole love theme, pseudo-personifying tomorow and secuirty, giving them more meaning.)