#1
I wrote this about 2 years ago and completely forgot about it, and recently found it while cleaning out my room. Enjoy

Crit 4 Crit
--------------------------------------

Sleepless City

Melodies of forgotten songs
The haunting dreams of times I've lost
Faded sunlight stains my face
A sacrifice not worth cost

Not quite sure how this day played out
but I lost my sight and broken my life
These things couldn't be more wrong

I'm in a city that never sleeps
But I'm the only one awake
Where yesterday has yet to come
And tomorrow's a forgotten day

All the memories will fade eventually
And all my denials with face the truth
And I'll come face to face with myself
Someday.....Somehow

These fleeting memories becoming so bland
Contradictions seem to plague our minds

I'm in a city that never sleeps
But I'm the only one awake
Where yesterday has yet to come
And tomorrow's a forgotten day

I'm in a city that never sleeps
(Fleeting memories becoming so bland)
But I'm the only one awake
(Contradictions seem to plague our minds)
Where yesterday has yet to come
(Fleeting memories becoming so bland)
And tomorrow's a forgotten day
(Contradictions seem to plague our minds)
#2
This is really really good. I love it, very thought out, well written, and I like how every line doesn't rhyme, that get's old after awhile. I am waiting to see more work for you
#3
not qiute sure I get the ending, hence I don't think it works well. I have a problem with the chorus hook not making any sense ...

I'm in a city that never sleeps
But I'm the only one awake

sure it sounds great, but in the end, to be a great lyric, it all has to make sense on some level. I'd rethink that part.

Also, you said that you wrote this 2 years ago, so I assume it's a finished peice. But I still see gramatical errors. How is that?
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#4
-Superstar
The beginning of the chorus is actually metaphorical for the mass of a society being blind to life outside of the past and you feeling as if your the only one with enough sense to move on in life.
And while the song was written 2 years ago I haven't gone back and checked for grammar, puncuation, etc.

-Nocturnal
Thank you very much, I hope to put up more of my songs in the near future.

If either of you guys have a song that you want me to crit please post the link
#5
I love it, very good.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#7
Good song, 8/10. Not really my style, as far as I can tell, though. Liked the background lines in the last verse.

Crit mine? It's 7838, down the page a ways.
You know the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar
You're the BLESSED, we're the Spiders from Mars!

Member 3 of the "Mick Ronson Is an extremely Awesome Guitar Player" Fanclub. PM ThePurpleRabbit to join.
#8
i loved it it was like amazing...like really amazing.10/10.i wouldnt change anything!


(oh yeah and please crit mine if you want to.its called perpetual nostalgia)
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#9
Thanks for all the crits guys keep them coming. I haven't gotten a chance to crit some of your stuff but I should get around to doing them tonight
#11
I like how it sounds, it rather flows nicely. I enjoy hearing it played. You picked very good melody to flow with the words. I really like the chorus the best. You wrote an awesome methaphorical symbol through out the entire song. For what it is really about, you covered it well. But all in all a really good job. 10/10.
Dragons Flame