This song is basically an opening to another song, which I will post when finished. Here it is though, Night dream ( The commencement to tragedy ):

Like a phantom of the night
She haunts the hollowed grounds
Like temptation upon first sight
Her victims lost, and never found
Laying motionless upon the stone floor
This passion within grief can last never more
And with this blood stained heart in her hand
She slowly weeps the end of man

Satisfaction of the torn souls
She lives in envy, no love anymore
Like the reaper with his scythe
She proceeds to take your life

She lays in the shadows, waiting for her prey
And every full lit moon, she summons death to play
And in a coma, with violently struck fear
Listen to the screams that only I can hear

Quickly I arise from my bed
With her grotesque image scared in my head
There?s no positive to this can?t you see
That only she exists, in my night dreams

holy **** that
was pretty good cant wait
to hear the rest!
I loved the imagery you give
the readers its almost lifelike

and thanx 4 my 1st crit!
great title btw ... carefull on forcing the rhyme in certain spots. You can get away with it once or twice because of the setting of the peice, but if it is really an opening to a more lengthier peice, I can already see myself getting bored. Also, I think you should use commas in lines to emphasize specific points, not slow down pace. Decent start, interested to see how it turns out.
A Myspace introduction to:

It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5