#1
Hey there. This song is a slower song played in clean and is about the emotions
a person goes through when they realize a great friend is really the love of their life,
and how even if it doesn't work, you know that everything will be alright.


We met through an acquaintance
But then our bond grew on its own
"I like your hair" began to mean much more
And our being melted from stone
Technology's ring reassured the night
As our souls began to say hello
We thought we learned it all in life
But the present is still not known

When will these dreams become the truth?

My mind is much clearer now
As the weeks drain down to days
The world has grown much heavier now
But my back still need not be saved
The ignition churns and I'm greeted by
The breeze and its sounds
Euphoria pumps through my veins
As I decide the time is now

So I say, is this what they call love?

My face is hot as the words hit home
"It'll never work" because I'm the fool
Sanctity is in this bottle
As I let it take total control
My brain blotches with a smudge and smear
But one thing remains ever clear
There are times where I'll be tested
But I'll never stop holding you near

When will these dreams become the truth?
#2
I would try to make a little less simple. Add depth. Also, try to make and or keep a better rhyme scheme. With a little editing you could make this much better, editing or some rewriting.

Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tick Tock
Last edited by Bard Morons at May 31, 2006,
#3
Hey hey
I enjoyed this, so I thought i'd let ya know, I also thought you could use another crit.

You have got some really good lines here, but sometimes they are followed by less outstanding, simple lines. I think that you could do without the line "The breeze and its sounds" and perhaps come up with something a bit more relavent or meaningful. Looking at the premise of the song, it sounded rather cliche, but it wasn't, and you have quite a cool writing style.

A couple of things that I think would work well would be to eliminate the word "total" before 'control' in the last main stanza, It may flow better. I also thought it might be neat to kind of add somthing from the other one line that you include between stanzas to the closing line, it wouldn't be much, maybe just "So I say...
When will these dreams become the truth?"

Anyways, good job dude
If ya could take a look at mine, that'd be sweet!, it's Indigo Carmine, in my sig.
#4
thats really nice, flows well, some good rhymes, good language, poetic but not pretentious and pointless, didnt quite get any feeling from it, but it is nice.
songs: Left Behind choices
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