#1
An old dusty road
a path unyet taken
A man who walks alone
Torn and forsaken
A long hard life
For a man with no dreams
With all his pain inside
He chokes just to breath
But all in one moment
On this very day
He turned another corner
And he began to say

chorus
I never knew the sun
When it came down on me
I never knew the rain
When it poured sea to sea
I never knew this life
as much as it knowns me
I let it all go
Just to breathe

He walks the long mile
Praying time to time
He longs to watch her smile
Just to pass it by
He never really thought
She would still be there
Her dark loving eyes
and Lightly colored hair
Just a memory
Of times that never die
He still loves her
And now she only cries

Chorus
#2
This wasn't that bad it had an interesting feel. the rhyming got slightly annoying. I do like the fact that it was a story that was told, that was kind of like my earlier pieces or so. anyways it was decent. I think it would have been clever if you changed the second verse to be from the girls point of view maybe? i dunno. I didn't like the last line in the second verse at all i thought it was very expected and cheap.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
it wasnt bad i just think that you need another verse or a pre-chorus or something.. idk but it felt like it was lacking something ? overall not bad at all, just needs some revisions and if u could crit my song "the sun now rests" thanks bro
#4
i really, really, really like this song. it tells a great story and goes into good depth. another verse wouldn't be bad though...
I'm Back.


[STAY THIRSTY, MY FRIENDS]


When Autumn comes, it doesn't ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart
#5
I agree with the effectiveness of the story-telling-like nature; sometimes it just works. This is one of those times. However, i would suggest that you put in metaphors, similies and use imagery. I say this a lot but i think it is vital for most interesting pieces. Don't get me wrong, yours was still good, but if you want to improve it, that's how.

Well written.

If you have time, would you mind critting mine please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749