#1
Ok guys I'm starting up a new band called Stapled Shut. Were mainly a metal band and this will be our first song (I hope). This is the first time I've ever written a metal song so give me a chance. If you're familiar with my previous peices, this will seem like a very big change to you. Try to guess what this is about.

Verse
Stay still, sit down
I can still see your eyes spinning around
You need to find your truth
Screws in your mind coming loose
See who cares at all
Slay things that feel small
A brown plague clouding your mind
Who knows what we'll find
In there...

Chorus
Control yourself (Your all alone)
Just be yourself (If you're going to do it, then don't)
Then ask yourself (Life's in a nutshell)
What's wrong with myself?

Verse
Drinking away your problems never solved anything
Addiction burns like a sting
But drinking never solved anything
You can't even hit me, swing after swing
Take it away or leave me be
You can end your problems gaurentee
Don't think of the one thats the first in your head
Find one that doesn't fu**ing make you dead

Chorus (x1)

Bridge
Don't smother a failure
A star crossed fool is an amzing caracture
Of you at times like these in your life
Take it away, go on strike

Chorus (x2)


Ok I don't think it seems very "metaly" but tell me what you guys think. Crit for crit as always. Thanks for the read.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#4
Quote by --PE+3R--
quite, but isnt that a poem? not a song? jw.



Alot of songs contain poetic verse, whether it's in a couple of lines, or throughout the whole song.


I for one like it, it managed to keep me reading through, very descriptive.
#5
I liked it a lot.
The second verse seemed a little different to me though, like it was more direct.
It was still good, but i really liked the first verse.
Good work though.
"Insecticon" of the Predacons Beast Wars Club
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You make me feel
Like a dog, you can see, my emotions
Is this for real, i'm a man
Sinking deep, in the ocean
#7
hey hey calvin! Good luck on your new band (awesome name for a band btw)

I liked this. YES, it IS very very different from your previous work.
But its also equally good!
I think this is a good peice of work, is it about going insane, or getting completly drunk?
Im feeling the insane part but maybe im wrong.....
My fave part here is the chorus, brilliant and cleverly written.
Remeber i owe you calvinTHEEcanadi...so if you need anything =)
franz x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Hey Calvin.

Now, i'm not a metal fan, so this didn't really apeal to me at all. However, i will crit it on the lyrical content instead of the style.

As you say, there is a huge difference between this and your previous pieces. However i think this is good except for the chorus; for me it is just a huge cliche that just about every metal band has used, and in fact a lot of other bands. But, as i like to say, there is always an original way round a cliche; just look to word it differently or use an extended metaphor to get your point across in a more interesting and original way. I liked the verses though, they were really good.

All in all i can imagine this as being a good metal song and i guess that's the aim so well done.

If you have time would you mind a peek at mine please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749
#9
Woah is pretty diffferent for you

Once more, Im not fan of metal, so I can't crit too accurately.

Like Caz said, the chorus did seem a little cliche, and to me it seemed a little weak aswell. I wasn't a fan of the repeat of "self" in it, although I did like the bit in brackets.

I'm along the same train of thought with Franz as to the topic of the song- although I'm more with the drunken idea. Seems to me like the 1st verse is about someone slowly letting drink take over their life, and the 2nd seems like the person is trying to resolve his problems, or is being told to by someone else. I'm not sure, thats what I got from it.

Good stuff. Enjoyed it.

Oh, and Stapled Shut- Excellent name
#10
Thanks guys I never thought I'd get this many crits on this peice. I'll get to yours soon guys, and Franz if you want me to crit one of yourr, don't hesitate to call.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#11
hey this is really good i can see where the metal influences are.an like the caz_guitar_dude said its cliched for metal bands,but at least it helped you start with this genre.im surprised how different it is from all you other stuff.good job,a true musician that isnt confined to 1 genre!9/10

)please crit mine if u get a chance...perpetual nostalgia)
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#12
You're my idol emokidsdelirium (I believe I've said that once before). I'm not trying to stick to that one genre I used to write in I'm trying to expand my views.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#13
i can rele c the metal influences i liked it rele liked the theme n gd luck with the band