#1
ok pretty much another love poem..... cliche? but here it is, crit for crit, just leave links, and thanks in advanced.


?Happy as Can Be?

I like to make people smile?

While, a dozen ducks sail south from here
And the school-bells ring once again
Five Blue Angels in ?V? pattern fly
One veers off course honoring the dead
The clouds from white to black
And the blue sky to a gray
The summers warming breath
Is made out and cools away
Leaves of trees are drenched and cold
And the trees leave life with a frozen sigh
The playgrounds? swings, swing frosty winds
The ice cream trucks song sings good-bye
Friends vanish with the scent of summer
Family dies with ice-filled gilled fishes in the lake
Wishing wells are just lost hope
All we that thought was real is fake,

But through this all and much worse
I will love her nonetheless, she?s all my worth.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#2
I had mixed feelings about this one. When i first saw the title it sounded like a line from a children's book, seriously, but then when i started reading it i actually started to build images. I think this has a lot to do with my imagination but i do believe that you helped (obviously seeing as though you wrote it). So that was good, you painted a picutre.

However i didn't think it was written particularly well: you only ever spent one line on a single topic, so in order to both make this longer and more interesting and deep, you need to dwell on one subject e.g. the swings for a wee bit longer.

Also, you really need more metaphors and similies there, they're not hard to do at all but what it will do is paint a very clear and ultimately much more interesting picture for the reader.

All in all, not bad by any means. Well done

If you have time, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749