#1
Inconspicuous Definition


The folded canopy
Over your locked up gate
Don?t deny the portal to hope
The track to success

Inconspicuous release from your battered dreams
Key to your wisdom
Key to your freedom of thought
Blaze through your sore thumb of belief

Warm your bones
Access denied again
Been played with your temperament
Told you it was through

Inconspicuous release from your battered dreams
Key to your wisdom
Key to your freedom of thought
Blaze through your sore thumb of belief

Constant recognition
Perseverance leads you there
Inconspicuous definition
Words under repair


A bit of colour why not
Thanks for reading and i'll try my best to get to yours if you leave me a link. Thanks again folks
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at May 31, 2006,
#2
your "friendly face franz" is here to say thankyou for the crit on my song, its much appreciated =P
I think this peice of work is very heartfelt, for some reason. It sounds deep. What i really liked was :
Inconspicuous release from your battered dreams
Key to your wisdom
Key to your freedom of thought
Blaze through your sore thumb of belief


Ahhh, this was just amazingly done, the first line especially.

9/10 from me, this is the kind of stuff id like to be able to write!!
franz xx
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Meep is a word.
Use it.
#4
Yeh, that second/fourth stanza stood out as the best. I thought this was really nicely done, I don't have any complaints I think, flow is spot on, everything ship shape here.

Really good work. Keep it going.
#5
Nice peice here Caz, I, like Franz, prefer the fourth stanza the most, it stands out mainly because of the description and it seems originally creative. Everything is ship shape here Caz, I have no comment on this peice. Its pretty good, theres maybe one or two places you could fine tune it, but you don't to. 9.9/10
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#6
sorry for the late critque and thanks for the crit.

as for the peice i think it is just fine the way it is, a very very good write, is this a song? the flow that you had in this write was amazing man, nice job on that, cant really crit anything much, i liked it alot, nice write.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#8
i liked it,really original.i like the flow.9/10
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#9
aha i was just about to comment on the colour, but you've already covered it. next time purple.

i liked this quite a bit. it was short and to the point which is good. you're trying to use language that's overly complex which i seem to be seeing time and again now. i'd say that the line "access denied" in the third stanza doesn't really sound too good. and also the use of inconspicuous kinda crept up too many times, but that's just me being picky really...

a good piece. i liked it.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
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emos forever
:-(
#10
Nice. I didn't fully understand it. I know songs are meant for personal interpretation. But this one didn't quite click with me. Still a good song. There's a message in there somewhere. I liked it keep up the good work.

My latest--->https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=369302
#11
Ice work here, especially the way you keep on with the quadrains, only rhyming at the finale - sweet touch.
The first two satnzas were O.K, but I enjoyed the rest a whole lot more, apart from the refrained bit; it just seemed a bit dull.
The word use was decent and it was quite interesting overall. I also enjoyed the colour.
#13
Very well written piece Caz, it flows really well and a good use of rhyme too. I would say that it doesn't really float my boat totally, due to some of the lines not holding as much warmth as others. Like the first two lines are quite deep and dreamy and that I like here, but access denied and the last two lines kinda feel a tad mechanical in their feeling. I like the chorus a lot, has a real clever feel and again nice and deep and meaningful. Overall a real solid piece, just them few lines that cool it down a bit for me.

Well done bud
All the best Caz
#14
^ Aha i see what you mean mate. I think there's some tweaking to be done
Thanks Glenn as usual.