#1
Hey guys. Sorry, this is my first song (thanks to a fight with my friends) and I'm only 14 so don't go so hard on me pleeease. By the way, it's pop-rock.


How can I trust you?
When we live in betrayal
And when all else fails
I'm always there for you
Through the thick and thin
Why dont I get the same?

Is it because
You found someone to replace me with?
Well I've had enough
I've given you all I can give
I guess I was wrong
You're not who you used to be..
You're changing

How can I believe you?
When in "believe"
Theres an "L-I-E"
I've got an open shoulder
If you need to cry
Why dont I get the same?

How can I still be your friend?
Cause I cant pretend
You're the same person.. anymore
And no matter what, Ill always try
To stand by your side
Why dont I get the same?

Is it because
You found someone to replace me with?
Well I've had enough
I've given you all I can give
I guess I was wrong
You're not who you used to be..
You're changing


You lie
You cheat
But I defeat
The guilty conscience in my mind
I trust
Im fair
But you dont care
If I'm ever left behind

How can I believe you?
When in "believe"
Theres an "L-I-E"
Ive got an open shoulder
If you need to cry
Why dont I get the same?
#2
first off - being 14 doesnt make a bit of difference, the only thing it could do is take an edge of maturity of your writing, which alot of adults do aswell, and needs to be fixed whatever age you are. You cant use age as an excuse for writing poorly(not that this is mazingly bad) or as a safety net if people are critical of yoru work. Im 15, I know.

"How can I believe you?
When in "believe"
Theres an "L-I-E""

thats one of the gimpiest things ive ever heard. Just kill it now.

rest of its fine though, it flows well and has some decent rhyme in it, next time try and add an extra layer of complexity to your next song. Thats just a bit too straightforward, im not one for poems that you have to read for a week to understand vaguely, but it justs ounds a bit whiney without some kind of thought being needed to understand it.
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#3
As he said, it's very simple. I tell many people this, so I'll tell you too. Try to make your writing unique in some way. Odd rhyme schemes often get peoles attention. The best way, in my opinion, is to compare the situation to an unrelated subject. If you can find some connection with a far out source, your song will be better. For instance, I wrote a song called "My Heart and Humpty Dumpty". Both, a heart and Humpty Dumpty, were broken. Therefore, I could make a comparison. The song was no more complex than yours is. If you wan't to read it, it is in here, back a few pages (probably 8 - 11 pages back). It was written on the 21st of this month, I think.

Plz crit
Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tick Tock
#4
ummm.its alittle to pop for me but i guess its ok. i agree witht he first dud though like the lie in believe im sorry but it should definatly be cut(please crit mine,perpetual nosalgia)
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...