#1
Looking through some of my old stuff i found this extremely clique song. I'll pay back all crits so leave a link! also any suggestions for a better title with be much appreciated.


Sometimes the evening can be hard to identify,
when the stars flicker out to hide the truth
that they really are nothing.
we can get night confused with the darkness in our minds
when all we want to do is sleep
but the burn of the truth is just too uncomfortable
and it plays in our minds
like it matters
if i close my eyes
all i can see are the stars
to much depended on to shine
and to take us away
to where they are everything
and not just the fire in your eyes.
#2
Not bad. Your idea is quite clever, but I wonder if this piece could have had a couple more killer lines to it to give it that extra punch?
Altogether though, this was an intelligent work, and a pleasure to read.
#3
Glad you liked it. I would like to re-write it sometime, maybe put in some some of those killer lines you suggested. thanks for the comment, anyone else?
#4
You've got some really kickass lines in there. At first I was tempted to shriek "emo! EMO!" but then after a more thorough read-through I found a lot more to it than that. Like CJW said, this has got potential and if it were grown a little longer and, maybe even segmented into verses and whatnot (forgive me, I'm anal about organization in songs, as paradoxical as organization in a good song really is), it could be digested easier. The first two lines, however, and the one about "burn of the truth" are some really complex and interesting ones though, keep that theme and you've got a killer here.

Would you mind criting my song? It's in my sig.
#5
i liked it. it was short and simple. i think maybe the middle section kind of loses its way a little in terms of what you are trying to say, but still i think that's just me trying to find problems. i liked it, good work
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#6
I liked it. I see it as more of a poem than a song. If it is a song, it should be a slow picked out acoustic song. Just My opinion.

plz crit
Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tick Tock
#8
Really good, some great bits in there, but you gotta have more.

And could you check the song out in my sig? Thanks!