#1
Hi everyone! I wrote this song last week and I'm posting it now for you to crit. Unfortunately, I have no time to crit yours (a school project). Sorry!

This song is taken from a true story my dad told me. In the 80's, two dead eight year olds were found dead on a road. They had been killed through a run-over from a big vehicle, most likely an SUV, like a Hummer. They never found the killer, but my dad has a theory on who it was. It's a man that has been arrested several times for driving drunk, and he is an alcoholic. He's alive today, but we have no real evidence that it was him. Anyways, I wrote a song about this man, out of his perspective. It's a rather long song that's divided into 5 parts. Some parts were basically starting out as a joke song, but it became pretty serious. The songs start takes place one day after the accident, and moves from there, to the court (Yes, he was taken to court but he won) and etc. I've used some references that my dad used (Most obvious the ''I drive worse than soccer mothers'' reference) but anyways, here goes:

The Masterpiece of A Guilty Driver:
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The Man of Alcohol =

Oh my god this is suicide!
That's what you think when I drive.
Since I drive unlike all others.
I drive worse than soccer mothers!

I will bring misery to your life;
You're the meat and I am the knife.
I'm the one that's in control...
I'm the man of alcohol!

I don't think before I drive,
I just hit the gas and then smile.
I don't care if I kill you in a ditch,
'Cause to me you are just a bitch!

You all see me as a fat slob,
And I don't even have a job.
You all see me as a man with no soul;
But I'm the man of alcohol!

I've killed more than you can handle,
And for each dead one I light a candle.
If you judge me, which you may;
You'll find out that I'm rather cliché.

I am covering up a masterpiece,
That makes you think that I'm deceased.
I walk around like I'm free,
Even though I'm more than guilty!
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It Happens To The Best =

It happens to the best...
And I don't know what to say.
I'm feeling tired and I need to rest...
Because of yesterday.

Last night something...
Terrible occured.
I was driving drunk,
And a hard sound was all I heard.

Today I'm hiding...
Last nights accidents.
I'm sitting here on the couch,
With a troubled conscience.

You might be thinking...
That I'm filthy and obese.
But after all I'm a keeper,
Of a horrible masterpiece!

And there have been many problems,
That happened in the past...
Yet after all those accidents;
I can't promise that this one is the last.

There were two little children...
Walking on the road.
I was about to hit them;
My heart was about to explode.

I can't really say I'm sorry.
I can't really say I care.
But I am guilty.
Of that; I am aware.

You can call me...
Ruthless or what you wan't.
But I promise you that my memories,
Really like to haunt...

Me!
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In The Court Room =

I'm sitting here
in the court room,
trying to defend myself.
But they can't
but me in jail 'cause they're
lacking evidence.

And the mother of
the children is
crying like never before.
But I can't really feel
pity for her, since to me
she is a *****!

I never asked
for it to
be this way.
But that's how
it has turned out, or so
it would seem to me.

The jury has made
up their minds but
they made the wrong call.
Because I am
guilty
after all!
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The Masterpiece =

I... have outsmarted the police,
through hiding the masterpiece.
And that's fine with me,
since then I can walk away free.

That night... is constantly coming back.
It's almost like I'm having an attack.
What I did was pretty bad...
And after all, this story's quite sad.

Two little eight year olds, and I had to change their fate.
Why did they have to play so late?
Those two little kids will forever be on my mind,
even though all the alcohol has nearly made it blind.

Until now I didn't realize what I had done.
But now the lies have begun.
And yes, I am living a lie.
And that is the way I'll die.
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The Driver =

I used to always bunk school,
Because I thought that it made me cool.
But now I consist of a black hole,
I'm the man of alcohol!

The truth will never appear.
The only one who knows it is sitting right here.
I am the masterpiece hider,
And that lonely night; I was the driver!

You have now heard my story.
It contains no glory.
It's all about death and shame,
You might even think I'm insane.

This is where my story ends.
I don't think I've made any new friends.
Since all I do is stare at my wall.
I'm the man of alcohol.

I will never ever get caught.
I will sit here until I rot.
And then I'll just smile wider;
knowing The Masterpiece of A Guilty Driver.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
Last edited by NineInchNails_0 at Jun 1, 2006,
#2
It is good, I do say it is too long. I don't really think that it has anything to change. It is kind of a personal piece. Therefore, an outsider can't really make your decisions.

plz crit, if the project gets done
Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tick Tock
#3
Thanks!

Allright, I'll crit yours. Only 'cuz you asked so nicely :P
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#4
hmmm...nicely done, it got a little long at some points, so it was a little boring at times. But overall a nicely written piece. 8.5/10 for me, but it doesn't really need any changes.

I know about your project, but, if you have any time, i'd appreciate if you took a look at mine.

thx, and nice piece
#5
Thanks a lot!

Sure, I'll look at your piece. I've got... 12 minutes

Just send me the link!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#7
It's been critted!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.