#1
this is my first real song ...so please be nice.your crit would be much appreciated.(i kno it may be alittle cliched,but hey whos songs arent)


Perpetual Nostalgia


[verse 1]
please let me feel something anything tonight
i need this right now,
the pressure so great i forgot to feel
no more emotions your picking me apart again,
its time to say goodbye.


[chorus]
my angel my love i need to let you go now
im going it alone and i know i'll make it some how
all the anger and all the tears
are being replaced with morbid fears
i get in the car too drunk to change gears
im going it alone

[verse 2]
now im letting go its hard to belive
alone and cold finding it hard to breath
wiping away the tears from my eyes,
as i say goodbye

[chorus]

[verse3]
and if i fall right here tonite
i know you wont be by my side
im in a desolate state
solitary and confined
sitting wishing you were by my side

[breakdown/bridge]
this pain youve inflicted is eched on my soul
you easily forgot ,yet i cant let go.

[chorus]
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
Last edited by emokidsdelirium at Jun 1, 2006,
#2
It doesn't flow at all in the beginning of the song. Maybe the music works, but lyrically the begging doesn't work at all. You need some rhyme or something.

Plz crit
Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tick Tock
#3
I dont like it, the whole song can be summed up by the fact that you spelt love "luv"
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#4
Quote by dnjoe
I dont like it, the whole song can be summed up by the fact that you spelt love "luv"

if you read the beggining statement i told you, thats because it is a name
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#5
hey hey, fantastic for a first song!
Its very BLINK182. I like this very very much....it needs improvement as it is very cliche but i dont mind that so much.
7/10

franz xxx [and thanks for the crit on my song]
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
thnx,sombody/anybody else?
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#8
Seems like a pretty melancholy peice, as your first peice it's a good try but won't meet the high standards of UG'ers. As for me, for your firts song, its good but I found that your flow was messed up in a few places. The rhyming was sort of forced, if there was any at all. I still don't understand the "luv" thing/word. Was it like your ex's name or something...? It was a good first attempt, my only advie: keep on trying. Since it's your first song, I'll give you a 6/10.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#9
Its pretty cleche but like u said whos isnt it sounds really emo to me i dunno mabe its ment to but about this name thing it makes you look bad i lernt that the hard way an its all 4 a meaning that about 16 people kno n also your rymings out in a few places but for a first song not bad
Last edited by cappa at Jun 1, 2006,
#10
For the most part i think this was well done. In some places i think there are a few flow issues, however that's probably because i can only read it not hear it

This has a weird mix of brilliant and more bland writing i.e.:
"this pain youve inflicted is eched on my soul
you easily forgot ,yet i cant let go."

Absolutely brilliant.

"wiping away the tears from my eyes,
as i say goodbye."

Whereas that is horribly cliched.

All in all i think this is a solid piece, with flashes of genius. With some tweaking this could be very good indeed.

Could you look at mine for me? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749
#11
Wow, punctuation and a spell checker are the greatest inventions of mankind, aren't they? *cough* *cough* (that was for cappa )

Anywho, thought it was a pretty decent first attempt. It is cliche, sort of has an emo/pop punk feeling to it.

The flow definitely needs some work, try adding some commas or changing the structure a tad- for example, the first line reads terribly, and needs a comma in it. I also wonder why verse two has one line less than the rest?

I think verse three was the strongest part.

Overall, nothing really stands out as awe-inspiring. 7/10 though, as it's your first. If someone wrote this after a year or so it would be more like a 5.
#12
Quote by calvinthecanadi
Seems like a pretty melancholy peice, as your first peice it's a good try but won't meet the high standards of UG'ers. As for me, for your firts song, its good but I found that your flow was messed up in a few places. The rhyming was sort of forced, if there was any at all. I still don't understand the "luv" thing/word. Was it like your ex's name or something...? It was a good first attempt, my only advie: keep on trying. Since it's your first song, I'll give you a 6/10.

yes,thats what we like called eachother,it sounds kind of lame but o well.
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...