#1
This is my first attempt at writing lyrics or really anything poetic, just give me sum advice on it.


"My Hearts on Fire"
(chorus)
My heart is on fire
you set it ablaze
with burning desire
i forget to breath

(chorus 2)
My heart is on fire
you set it ablaze
with burning desire
sit and watch the flame

(verse 1)
now im in a daze
you fall in my gaze
my tounge gets twisted
my sight begins to haze

(verse 2)(needs serious revising)
Now it starts to melt
never thought you felt
that way about me.


Im still not sure what order to put them in.
Plz also crit
Our love was cursed
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 4, 2006,
#2
id say that its pretty good for never writing anything like this before.i think with alittle practice you could be very good.even though some parts are really forced,if you keep trying then it will come to you easier and easier .the end!

please crit mine...perpetual nosalgia
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#3
It's good, but like most everyone's first piece, it's cliche. Remember that creativity is your best friend. Other than that though, I'd say it's not too bad at all..
#4
Don't quit writing. This is decent. You need to be unique. Find ways to express the same message, but like no one else has. I like to make comparrisons to odd things that relate to my message but are totally unrelated.

plz crit
Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tock Tock

We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
#5
it sounds ok to me its important that u dont giv up if u gt a fellin bout a song keep at it n ull get there ...........its always better i think to wright ur on lyrics cos then itas easyer to get guitar riffs n so on
#6
hey i thought it was pretty good for your first piece a little bit cliche but good song you like chekkmate said creativity is your best friend could you crit mine called thoughts
#7
I think you have something good going here.....
Except that you could lenghten the verses a bit
or add another one....a little detail wouldnt hurt
but it does sound pretty kickass the way it is
#8
It's alright, but it would be a better idea not to concentrate so much on making it rhyme, especially with such short lines being used.
I suggest you swap the two verses around and leave it like that.
#9
its pretty nice; the rhyme jsut starts to get repetitve but it works because the last line 'that way about me' stands out because of this, and its beautiful
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#10
Compartively it's horrible, completely cliche, unoriginal rhyme scheme, and there's no imagination in at all.

In retrospect, it's decent lyrics, which tells you one them. Lyrics these days are awful. Work on being less redundant with your rhymes and try to have some personal flare instead of ripping off the latest flavor of the week.

Expand and be yourself.

Thanks:

**M:A!T:T**
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#11
The verses were a bit short, but other than that, I liked it.... The fact that you did not use an apostrophe in the title is bugging me.
*Insert interesting signature here*
#12
It was okay. But I think it would be kooler that instead of your heart, it was your penis. Just imagine walking through the mall and suddenly, someones penis explodes into flames. "JESUS CHRIST MY PENIS IS ON FIRE!!!". Then the fire department has to come, but it's too late, he has lost his manhood. So now he's a woman without a vagina.
I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIST
JESUS CHRIST I LOVE YOU
YES I DOOOO