#1
bahhh, crazy.

this was also written while under the influence of godspeed.

settle your tears against my heart, entwined in
the phone calls that are the seperation of distance.
months have past, numbers have been dialled. "it's
not long now", charred words etched into our minds,
"don't listen, for the love of god don't listen".
a creep in the dimmened room, padded are the surroundings.
the cold air harsh against the tender lungs. second
hand smoke seeps through the veins, turning the blood
black. causing the face to see red, anguish. depression.
the tap turns cold, piercing screams echo through the hall.
black clouds, smoke beneath the door. i'm walking,
your hand is before me. the ring is beneath our feet.

bang. bang. bang.

i'm laying beside you. tears, rusty as soda cans
bounce off the tiles. "hold in there, in the future
you shall pass. the past is before you. wash it
away. like the dirt from your shoes" chalk etched
on the walls. like stone to the waterfall. it slides down,
leaving marks; everlasting on the beholder. the eyes that
were so vivid, intrigued by what had once lay before them.

red eyes, black lungs, the dieing breath, the lasting soul.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
Last edited by frodoisdead at Jun 1, 2006,
#3


That's not pretty.

It wasn't badly written, I just didn't think much of the subject matter.

bahhh, crazy.


Sums it up.
#4
wtf?

i don't see how this is "sick"

and the subject matter? wtf's wrong with it?

i remember back in the day when these forums provided something constructive.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#5
I loved it. For the life of me i can't understand what the others are talking about. To be honest with you, you don't really need much in the way of criticism. This is fantastic and an enjoyable read at that. You have some genius lines in there. Just overall, brilliant.

Sorry i couldn't offer anything in the way of critique but i'm very tired sorry.

Do u mind a look at mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749
#6
Quote by frodoisdead

i remember back in the day when these forums provided something constructive.


look at the registration date on both of those guys.


Meanwhile, I can't offer much constructive words because this really doesn't seem like it needs anything in my own personal opinion. I really just wanted to say that I quite enjoyed it. Some of the imagery was so original, that I was just dumbfounded by it. This is great. I vaguely remember you around here before, but not really. You should come around more often(you probably are, I'm just kinda busy) because I quite enjoyed the read.
BUY SOME PHOTOS..Click here, and then click 'store'

Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#7
The words have a good flow and sound nice together. I couldn't really establish much of a rhythym out of it so I'd be interested in hearing this put to music. Good job overall.
#8
"rusty as soda cans" i thought that was kinda funny, lol. I've never seen a rusty soda can but then again I don't drink soda
#10
That was actually really good. I liked it alot...the only thing I really have to say is that tears don't rust....and they can't be rusty as soda cans because soda cans aren't always rusty...I hate saying this because I really liked that line...but it just needs to be said.

Is 'dimmened' a word?
just wondering, doesn't sound right to me.

Also learn to use a semicolon, you might know how, but there are a few places I would use it that you didn't.

Good good good overall...the crit whores who said it was gross are just trying to say something about as many pieces as possible then asking for a crit...I hate them....just ignore them. Unless they give you huge amounts of praise, don't 'crit' them back.

Could you check out my newest, "To Whom it May Concern", or one of the ones in my sig.

Thanks
#11
Beautiful! very well written and the flow was perfect! excelent job.
#12
aha the rusty as soda cans line came from the other night. i was walking down a passageway near my house and i saw this can that was all dirty, so i figured "hmmm i'll use that"

&i'm sure dimmened is a word, if not then it is now

thanks a lot for all the comments, i'll get round to everyones now.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#13
that was cool. very good
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
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#14
I'm mixed here.

I don't like the way you sound american sometimes, and it's probably just musical influence, but i don't like it. like when you use "soda cans", it just doesn't sound right to me. it could just be me though.

the piece was a bit same-old. not much variety-

love, red, hearts, eyes, phonecalls.

All pretty obvious stuff for romantic songs or prose. i think it's more of a compliment to the girl to use more original imagery and metaphors, even if they sound a little obtuse, it shows you're not just the same, and thus; she isn't just the same.

You have some nice rhymes going on though, it's just a little influenced by writers, like Oberst. It sounds like a bit of an imitation.

Remember,

amatures imitate,
pro's steal.
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 2, 2006,
#15
Hoestly, this can't be critiqued because it has no flaws. Baybe if you would be a little less vague. That might make it better but that would be the only thing.

Bard Morons - Tick Tock Tick Tock
#16
look at the registration date on both of those guys


That really couldn't matter less. That's a stereotypical view.

Good good good overall...the crit *****s who said it was gross are just trying to say something about as many pieces as possible then asking for a crit...I hate them....just ignore them. Unless they give you huge amounts of praise, don't 'crit' them back.


Ok. I believe that I never asked for a crit back. I thought this was cleverly worded and well executed, I wasn't in the best frame of mind when critting a piece on death.

Crit *****s? Seriously? I believe that since I joined this forum, I have given out plenty of honest, decent length sized crits. I only ever ask for a crit back if I've written a fair amount and given the writer something to think about. There's plenty of people that would back me up on that.

And it's weird, if it's a one line crit and it's bad, people complain. Someone who just goes "great stuff" or something like that isn't flamed for writing only a couple of words. Only if they give you huge amounts of praise, crit them back? thats a terrible way to act.

Also, if they do only right a line or so and ask for a crit back, by all means I don't think it's totally fair that you crit them back. But ignoring them is harsh. They have given the time to read, comprehend then tell you what they think of the piece, even if its only one word. At least be grateful, cos if no one critted then this forum wouldn't exist.

I think what a couple of you have said in this thread is completely out of order. I'm sorry, but I don't normally rant, but what some of you have said is completely unfair and unjustified.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 2, 2006,
#17
let's not clog up the thread with arguements.

&pickups thanks a lot. i do sometimes wear my influence a little too openly. &i'll remember that saying in the future aha.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#19
The imagery was amazing, the part with the waterfall was just brilliant. But some lines were sort of awkwardly phrased IMO ("causing the face to see red, anguish. depression" sounded a little funny to me), and since the "bang bang" lines have been run into the ground by scenesters, I didn't think that part did much for me. I liked this a lot though, the interposed dialogue was really well done, the imagery was great, yadda yadda yadda
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#20
yeah i wanted the bang bang bang line to be somewhat ironic, shooting down the people like sonny moore
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#21
Awesome. Very well written. The flow was alright,but nothing to fret about.Your imageery setup was b-e-a-utiful.

"Bang.Bang. Bang." sounds somewhat cliche`,though,so IMO I'd take it out.
When your body's tired, exercise your mind.
#23
^^i'm guessing that's good..?
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#24
could use some more antony actually


bang bang you're dead, always so easily dead

banf bang you're dead, put all the rumors to bed

bang bang you're dead
#25
I didn't feel the need to run this song down through and through because I have no real crit to offer. It was a great read. Vivid, stark, bleak, impactful - everything a good lyric should be. Nothing I would change. A great piece of writing, sir - keep it up!

Check out my piece - Bad Mother Facebreaker
Fears a powerful thing