#1
i gave up on love
on a bathroom floor.
i found it again
in front of a funeral home.
everything i dreamed
has almost been complete.
i found the meaning of life
laying on the street.
i'd let you know
but all of the results vary.
and the enlightenment is false
the only thing left is caring.
the cost of love is
the cost of breathing clean air.
earth will be gone soon
the soil will lay bare.
Quote by emomints
Green day have to be one of the biggest emo bands in the world (and I still love them). Which do you lot think is there most emo song 'coz me and my friend can't decide lol
#2
I like the use of irony and the attitude of the storytelling, but it dissipates quickly after the first half
Away Message: I fell out of my chair, this may take awhile.
#5
i thought it was cool but it fall apart alittle in the second half

Plz crit My heart is on fire
#6
Well you managed to get the people who suck at life the most to look at this.

i gave up on love
on a bathroom floor.the two 'on's are kind of awkward that close together. I'd suggestgetting rid of the first one all together. Or if you can think of something better or more fitting.
i found it again
in front of a funeral home.That's interesting...so you found love after somebody died? Or did you love somebody after they died...I want to tell youo to expand...but I'm not sure if it would add to the piece.
everything i dreamed
has almost been complete.
i found the meaning of life
laying on the street.I'd say switch these two lines with the two above them...sounds better and makes more sense.
i'd let you know
but all of the results vary. I really liked that. Good.
and the enlightenment is false
the only thing left is caring.
the cost of love is
the cost of breathing clean air.
earth will be gone soon
the soil will lay bare. This last bit is kind of weak, I'd say work at it a bit harder and maybe try to get what you mean across clearer, it's a bit awkward the way it is now

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Good job buddy..the first bit was really good, then it fell apart a tiny bit, not terrible at the end...but not sufficient. You did well on a subject so overdone, which is hard to do. So I give you 7.5/10

Could you check out one of the ones in my sig, or 'To Whom it May Concern'
#7
i gave up on love
on a bathroom floor. Good start, i like it
i found it again
in front of a funeral home. nice
everything i dreamed
has almost been complete.
i found the meaning of life
laying on the street. i thought this part sounded a bit awkward
i'd let you know
but all of the results vary.
and the enlightenment is false i love this part
the only thing left is caring.
the cost of love is
the cost of breathing clean air.
earth will be gone soon
the soil will lay bare. I feel like it sort of falls apart here, its not as strong as the rest and it sounded forced.
overall though good job. the start was very well written but the quality dropped off towards the end. i'd give it an 8/10
#8
i liked this, as has previously been said the use of irony is effective. i haven't seen much of your work, probably cuz i don't frequent these parts as much as i used to. but i think this is a very strong piece. the only thing that stands out when reading it as being slightly off is the line "but all the results vary" i just feel that it really hinders the general flow of the piece. but other than that i liked it.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#9
much thanks to everyone who looked at it, and to answer the funeral home question; I was supposed to meet someone (the girl I've been dating for over a year now) in front of the funeral home.

And Dom, I don't really post here much, I was just bored and I've been posting up my work as if I were dying.
Quote by emomints
Green day have to be one of the biggest emo bands in the world (and I still love them). Which do you lot think is there most emo song 'coz me and my friend can't decide lol