#1
wow havent written in a while. almost 3 months. crit for crit, just drop a link. pz


There?s a thought lurking in the depths of my mind
And it says
?Kid, you?re ****ing high?
To keep on with her

There?s no use believing in you any more
Its pointless believing
In a girl
Who only lives for a call
A shoulder to cry on and not much more

Lie in the attic with a mouthful of words
As the stems and the seeds
It?s all that?s left
We?ve been waiting too long
And its time

Inside a cave there?s a tune that is played
Over and over and over
But nobody hears it,
What a shame

Like the moth on the lantern, I find myself once again
Thinking of you now as I once did back then
And in a flash of brilliance I?ve burnt out once again
Oh, it?s a shame

Speak to me friend and I?ll do my best not to listen
For fear that your words should be met with derision
What a shame, what a shame
We are lost, we are lost
#2
Quote by Zeus2716
wow havent written in a while. almost 3 months. crit for crit, just drop a link. pz


There’s a thought lurking in the depths of my mind
And it says
“Kid, you’re ****ing high”
To keep on with her

Good beginning. Maybe change 3rd line to "Kid, your too ****ing high".

There’s no use believing in you any more
Its pointless believing
In a girl
Who only lives for a call
A shoulder to cry on and not much more

Keep this, it's good. I like it a lot.

Lie in the attic with a mouthful of words
As the stems and the seeds
It’s all that’s left
We’ve been waiting too long
And its time

2nd and 3rd line a little confusing, but besides that good.

Inside a cave there’s a tune that is played
Over and over and over
But nobody hears it,
What a shame

Absolutely love this part. Reminds me of Zeppelin

Like the moth on the lantern, I find myself once again
Thinking of you now as I once did back then
And in a flash of brilliance I’ve burnt out once again
Oh, it’s a shame

Again, I love this part.

Speak to me friend and I’ll do my best not to listen
For fear that your words should be met with derision
What a shame, what a shame
We are lost, we are lost

2nd line, I'd change derision to decision. That's just me. Keep up the good work.


If you have the time, crit mine. "A Mother". Thanks, and good song. Keep it up, you got talent.
The times they are a changin'.....
#3
thanks bro. i'll check out your piece when i can write a full-out crit for you. as for the 2nd and 3rd lines in that stanza, its a reference to marijuana, and now that i read it, it is a bit confusing haha. keep em comin guys
#4
yeah dude, this song is really good. I wouldn't change... anything. I think you're ready to go man.
So I pushed her but she tripped, and fell down the stairs. I guess she was tired so she fell asleep right then and there. She hasn't woken up yet, but when she does I'm going to apologize. - MBSowards
#6
haha thanks guys

italy's finest: i'll get to yours i promise lol i read it over it was good but it turned out to be so long i didnt have time to do a full-on crit lol.


anyone else?