#1
The world is grey,
And here I sit with you,
My murderous friend.
The world is grey,
And here I search for truth,
To no real end.

Here I sit with you,
You vivacious vixen.
Here I juxtapose reality,
You malicious minx.

What I sense is the reality here,
And I sense heat.
Is what I sense the reality here?
My darling cheat.

I see trees and weed, standing tall.
I see fleas and Jesus down to crawl.
But reality is phenomena,
So take the left wing and break it in half,
Because noumena are like similes,
And peace makes me laugh.
#2
it's pretty good. i'm not sure about 'vivacious vixen' or 'malicious minx'.
"What I sense is the reality here, and I sense heat." For some reason I really liked that line. I also liked how you finished it up. All in all, i'm gonna give it a 7/10. It has some things you could tweak, but all in all it was pretty good.
So I pushed her but she tripped, and fell down the stairs. I guess she was tired so she fell asleep right then and there. She hasn't woken up yet, but when she does I'm going to apologize. - MBSowards
#3
the only thing that i didnt like was the word juxtapose.. it fits well but i dont think many people reading it will understand it, other than that i think its good ill say 7/10 jsut fix some stuff up and itll be good
#5
^or maybe its a poem?

I really liked it and I have to say that I actually like the "Malicious Minx" Vivacious Vixen" part, it really adds feel to the whle thing, especially as its backed up by the rhyming. It kinda sounds like something you would snarl at someone..if you get what I mean I can't really explain it...The "My darling cheat" line really polishes of that stanza well. The work "juxtapose" is good in terms of lexical variety but I didn'y feel as thought it really worked here. But I don't really have any critisism, this was a really good read.
#6
meh, it was ok. i loved it and hated it at the same time. the introduction was poor, in my opinion. i thought it was a bad start. it was kind of cliche, i dont have a problem with it being cliche but as long as it's great, then i look past the clicheness but unfortunately, it was bad. now the second stanza is quite good, i really liked it. especially the words you chose. the third stanza i strongly disliked, especially the third line. it wasn't original and it wasn't as good as the beginning. nice ending, overall, it was good and bad. but i think that it would be better if you went over it. keep up the good work!
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#7
Quote by Green_Fox
meh, it was ok. i loved it and hated it at the same time. the introduction was poor, in my opinion. i thought it was a bad start. it was kind of cliche, i dont have a problem with it being cliche but as long as it's great, then i look past the clicheness but unfortunately, it was bad. now the second stanza is quite good, i really liked it. especially the words you chose. the third stanza i strongly disliked, especially the third line. it wasn't original and it wasn't as good as the beginning. nice ending, overall, it was good and bad. but i think that it would be better if you went over it. keep up the good work!


I agree about the first stanza...I hate the last two lines. The only thing I don't understand is your dislike for the third stanza...it is very necessary for the ending and for the idea as a whole. Personally I like that sort of repetition, which is why I use it. But that's your opinion and I respect it, though I don't agree.
#8
Quote by jamminbass
I agree about the first stanza...I hate the last two lines. The only thing I don't understand is your dislike for the third stanza...it is very necessary for the ending and for the idea as a whole. Personally I like that sort of repetition, which is why I use it. But that's your opinion and I respect it, though I don't agree.


i like repetition too but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. i usually like it when its in the end and the same line is repeated in every other line, word for word. i think that the question mark was something that made me not like it, because i think that if your going to repeat it, then repeat it but don't change a thing. plus i get a different vibe with the first and third stanza when compared to the second and fourth, everything from the words you chose to the flow and the rhymes. but still, it's a good solid piece.
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#9
How do you get a different vibe?

Personal opinion is big here between us...you like repetition to be exactly the same, I prefer it when it's altered a tiny bit.
#10
i said that i get a different vibe because of the words you chose, the rhymes, the vocabulary, etc. those two parts are different, in my opinion and i think they should be consistent from beginning to end. that's just what i think though, it's not like you have to take my advice
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#11
I can see what Green Fox is talking about with the vibe. The first and third stanzas seem to be more simple, and basic, and, I think, and the second and fourth seem to have you stretch your writing brain a bit more. However, I really like the third stanza, It just sounds nice, and the second stanza was great.

All in all, I think the first stanza was the weak part, I think it was the repeat of the "grey" line, and the last two lines, which did it for me.

But it was a goodpiece. 8/10. I think with a bit more of inspiration on the first verse, this could be very good.

I'd appreciate a small comment here from you, on my newest piece.
#12
I can see what Green Fox is talking about with the vibe. The first and third stanzas seem to be more simple, and basic, and, I think, and the second and fourth seem to have you stretch your writing brain a bit more. However, I really like the third stanza, It just sounds nice, and the second stanza was great.

I liked it, but it's always hard to judge if you don't here music to go along with it. It seems to have ots of potential though in my opinion.
#13
I'm pretty sure this one will remain a poem unless I come up with perfect music somehow accidentally...

I got to yours Jammy..

The first three stanzas have a different vibe than the last...that's how I planned it for the most part...