#1
Hey Everyone, I know many of you are tired of all the dark songs posted here, but I think I needed to post this, as it shows my mental state of several years ago(you can ask me what it was, though i may not answer ), and i recently wrote this about it. This is just a rough version. I'd appreciate if you'd all take a look and crit it.Crit for Crit, of course


From the deepest shadows She emerges
Eternal Night on the floor
Dark Eternity has claimed many
Yet She still craves for many more

Chorus:
Death, Death, Glorious Death
All of us hear Her call
Death, Death, Wonderous Death
When time slows to a crawl

From forsaken mists She approaches
A fog of Blood hung in air
Many scream out for her mercy
Their hearts filled up with despair

Lurking in the corner
She summons us near
Calling us, drawing us
Feeding on our fear

Chorus

Queen of Darkness, do not come near
Lady of Night, Deliverer of Fear
Keeper of Blood, Angel of Fright
You carry all our mortal souls
Into a dark and endless night

Chorus

We can only hope and pray
That we have not yet caught Death's eye
For that is when we leave this world
We die, and tell all of those we love
Goodbye
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Jun 3, 2006,
#3
Nice use of personification. There are a lot of songs about death and such out there, but this one was really good.
#4
It flowed nicely and you executed personification beautifully. Do you listen to Venom, perhaps? lol. Seriously, nice job though.
Fears a powerful thing
#6
kicks ass man, thats all ive got to say. i dont normally like unhappy lyrics cuz they p*** me off, but i liked this.
9/10.
No wait, 10/10

xx
crit mine? it be in my sig xx
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Use it.
#8
i liked this, there is definitely a lingering darkness and eerie feeling to it, which you've managed to achieve without overkilling the verses.
good work
#9
Quote by AAA_the_band


From forsaken mists She approaches
A fog of Blood hung in air
Many scream out for her mercy
Their hearts filled up with despair


I think the part with their hearts filled up with despair could be shortened to their hearts filled with despair
#10
Let me go ahead by saying that you probley shouldnt take this crit to heart or that you wont be able to find it too useful. Its hard for me to crit peaces like this mainly because it's just a completly different writing style then from what I use, so I find it real hard to put myself in a critiques place and give you advice on something I'm not to familiar with. I warned you, Lol

From the deepest shadows She emerges
Eternal Night on the floor
Dark Eternity has claimed many
Yet She still craves for many more

First two lines run nicely together, but then we get to the 3rd and 4th line and the flow abrubtly stops. I think that adding the word "Yet" kinda puts a bump in the flow. Also I think the use of "Many" in the forth line sounds wierd because of its previous use in the line before it.

Chorus:
Death, Death, Glorious Death
All of us hear Her call
Death, Death, Wonderous Death
When time slows to a crawl

Nice little chorus, exactly how a chorus should be. I dont like the forth line for some reason, it hard to read.

From forsaken mists She approaches
A fog of Blood hung in air
Many scream out for her mercy
Their hearts filled up with despair

Nothing to say here, other that good job, and nice writing.


Lurking in the corner
She summons us near
Calling us, drawing us
Feeding on our fear

Kinda subtle, but gets to the point.

Chorus

Queen of Darkness, do not come near
Lady of Night, Deliverer of Fear
Keeper of Blood, Angel of Fright
You carry all our mortal souls
Into a dark and endless night

Nothing I can lay a finger really on here.

Chorus

We can only hope and pray
That we have not yet caught Death's eye
For that is when we leave this world
We die, and tell all of those we love
Goodbye

Good job on this peace, real good and while not my kinda cake i still enjoyed the read.
The Devil may.
#11
This as franz says, for a morbid kinda song, does a nice job of flowing and maintaining a good rhythym. I would say that if you have the music sorted for this, then go for it.
I reckon it will make a good song mate. I really cannot offer too much criticism as this is fairly complete for your purpose.

Nice work
All the best AAA the band
#12
Quote by Glenn James


All the best AAA the band


I dont know why, but this made me chuckle.

Anyway, as people have said, you have a real knack for flow and consanance. You also keep the theme pertinent throughout so thats good. The only downside of this piece was the topic as it will be dubbed 'cliche' but you did a nice job of presenting this 'cliche' so good job... sorry this was such a lame crit, I'll give you a better one for your next piece
#15
From the deepest shadows She emerges
Eternal Night on the floor
Dark Eternity has claimed many
Yet She still craves for many more

Love the flow of the first two lines, but for the fourth line, I advise that you rewrite it as: "She still craves for more and more" (I think that "more and more" kind of emphasizes the craving, ya know?)

Chorus:
Death, Death, Glorious Death
All of us hear Her call
Death, Death, Wonderous Death
When time slows to a crawl

This was pretty good


From forsaken mists She approaches
A fog of Blood hung in air
Many scream out for her mercy
Their hearts filled up with despair

I suggest making the second line: "A dark shroud of blood-hung air" It just seems to flow better to me.


Lurking in the corner
She summons us near
Calling us, drawing us
Feeding on our fear

It seems that you left the rhythm of your previous stanzas here...

Chorus

Queen of Darkness, do not come near
Lady of Night, Deliverer of Fear
Keeper of Blood, Angel of Fright
You carry all our mortal souls
Into a dark and endless night

LOVE IT

Chorus

We can only hope and pray
That we have not yet caught Death's eye
For that is when we leave this world
We die, and tell all of those we love
Goodbye

Again, seems to have a different rhythm

Overall, I liked this piece quite a lot. With some tweaking, it can really be great. As I already said, the last few verses had a different rhythm then the beginning ones. I liked a lot of the imagery you used; it really sparked my imagination. This was less cliche then I thought it might be from your little intro to the song.

Good job, man (and thanks for the crit).
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#16
I definitely liked that, good dark theme and rhythm. Only thing I saw was in the line "Yet She still craves for many more" in the first verse, leaving out the word "for" gives it a better ring (imho), i.e. "Yet She still craves many more". Just a suggestion, I'd say 9/10 for sure, and that's only because I generally don't go to half marks about stuff. Keep up the good work!
Rig

Jackson DK2M -> ISP Decimator -> Peavey 6505 Combo
#17
hey man i really enjoyed it..which for a guy that hates most morbid songs that's saying something..like all the others b4 me said the uses of personification was exellence, but i really liked the way the song keeps you wanting more...it was just like "what's next, what's next"..i loved it. great piece of art man...'When time slows to a crawl'....genious man, genious....

keep rocking,

catch you on the flipside
"Peace, Love, and Stadium Arcadium"
#18
i thought that this was a good piece other than the fact that shadows, darkness, and death are used quite a bit by everyone. Im guilty of it too. I need a thesaurus haha.

Queen of Darkness, do not come near
Lady of Night, Deliverer of Fear
Keeper of Blood, Angel of Fright
You carry all our mortal souls
Into a dark and endless night

I liked the "chorus" the most out of all of it. You give the person or thing you are describing three different names and what she does. I also liked your death personifacation.
Check out Death Be Not Proud by John Donne

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370991
#19
Incredible! Just...

Indredible!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#20
"Queen of Darkness, do not come near
Lady of Night, Deliverer of Fear
Keeper of Blood, Angel of Fright
You carry all our mortal souls
Into a dark and endless night"

This part really killed the whole "night" thing for me. Also, the first line is a bit goofy, and the different names or titles you give her get old after a while.

Other than that, not bad, although the diction could definetly be reworked. "Deepest depths" isn't exactly very powerful.

Thanks for your thoughts on my latest, 'tis appreciated.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#21
A dark subject, which some would say is cliche, but I think you have done well in adding some individuality to it.

I can't really crit much, I don't write like this, it seems you probably have enought crit already, so I'll just say nice flow, nice rhyme, nice job.

Thanks for the crit on mine.
#22
hmm, i really liked this. Yes, it's dark, yes, it's good. The only problems that i could see, doctor_rocker and ShaneTheMan already addressed. The repitition of many in the fourth line, first stanza, and i like doctor_rocker's revision of "A fog of Blood hung in air". Those are the only problem areas. Anyways, i gotta go sry i couldnt be of more help.
It's just like Rome, only today it's a colosseum of hearts.