#1
This is my second attempt at righting lyrics, this isn't the whole song im still working on the other verses

(verse 1)
My lungs turn to ash
My heart is shattered
just like broken glass
My vision is blured
My insides are burned

(chorus)

It turned from bad
to so much worst
and it just seems like
our love was cursed

(verse2)
my heart exploded
inside my chest and
glass littered the cold
floor when you told me
that you've been cheating


(order)
verse 1
chorus
verse 2
chorus
Verse 1


Ive think ive gotten most of it done, plz crit.
Plz crit "My Hearts on Fire"
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 19, 2006,
#2
a deffinate emo feeling here.....
You know what? i like it. I like it alot. I didnt think i would, but i do.
The only crit i can give is that the verse seems WAYYY more like a chorus.
It turned from bad
to so much worst
and it just seems like
our love was cursed


Because here ^^^^lies the perfect ryhming scheme, good lyrics, the title and theme of the song and it is all the makings of a chorus!

However its up to you obviously, its just my opinion. So far, an 8/10.
keep it up mate =P
Can you crit mine? the link is in my sig.
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#3
Quote by stratkat
This is my second attempt at righting lyrics, this isn't the whole song im still working on the other verses

(chorus)
My lungs turn to ash
My heart is shattered
just like broken glass
My vision is blured
My insides are burned

Bittersweet, I liked this.

(Verse 1)

It turned from bad
to so much worst
and it just seems like
our love was cursed

Then it goes emo. I don't like emo, never have - therefore I have a major beef with this stanza and would totally trash it - but if an emo feel is what your going for than it's grand.

Thats all i have written so far, Plz give me advice on this part.
Plz crit "My Hearts on Fire"


Check out my piece - Bad Mother Facebreaker
#4
im lykin the song! i get wat they say wen its emo! but i lyk the way uv described tings!
#5
I like it but maybe instead of:
My lungs turn to ash
My heart is shattered
just like broken glass

you could use:
My lungs turn to ash
My heart to a pile of shattered glass

but whatever. I think that sounds better, but it is your song, so do whatever. I'd give it a 9/10.