#1
This is the closest you'll get to literature from me.
I think it's my favourite piece I've written, nearly.

Dedicated to Will, seen as I used his "tobacco ivy".


Lit Spit-Rubber Controls of Light

Give courtesy to TV,
The modern chalice of empathy.
With the earnest young men as tablet moulds;
Swallowing themselves into the contemporary holds.
With arms of tobacco ivy, tress sodden with wine,
The slurred sound of lower class vibrating to a line.
From the control in your shooting finger-
The stretch of the crucible leaving the infa.

Bow now, to the showers of millions from eyes,
The cost of life spent in bread and cheap wine.

Does this modern prophecy read quite fine?

Or will you protest with the polar spectrum cult,
Where we practise our skills on the human halt?
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 3, 2006,
#2
Quote by thepickups
This is the closest you'll get to literature from me.
I think it's my favourite piece I've written, nearly.


Lit Spit-Rubber Controls of Light

Give courtesy to TV,
The modern chalice of empathy.
With the earnest young men as tablet moulds;
Swallowing themselves into the contempory holds.
With arms of tobacco ivy, tress sodden with wine,
The slurred sound of lower class vibrating to a line.
From the control in your shooting finger-
The stretch of the crucible leaving the infa.

I love the first two lines, very honesty and vivid. The next two aren't up to par - but the rest of this stanza is excellent - vivid, intelligent, meaningful. I liked this alot, except for the third and fourth line. The rhyme seems forced.

Bow now, to the showers of millions from eyes,
The cost of life spent in bread and cheap wine.

Does this modern prophecy read quite fine?

Or will you protest with the polar spectrum cult,
Where we practise our skills on the human halt?

Once again - this is great. Vivid imagery, excellent uses of adjectives - great meaning. I love it. Wonderful job, sir.


The only crit I can really give is that I would personally change the third and fourth line in the the first stanza - but other than that this is wonderfull. Excellent job, sir.

Check out my piece - Bad Mother Facebreaker
Fears a powerful thing
#4
i agree with neely, dont change anyfink!
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
don't change anything man, this is a great piece, nothing wrong with it...

Check out mine will you? the link's in the sig
#6
alright, thanks.

does anyone protest with the polar spectrum cult in my piece, theoretically?

or oppose it?
#7
'Tis a really good piece. I don't know what it means, but it sounds really meaningful. I wouldn't change a thing.
Quote by Mascot
yuR a fAggit
#8
This is fairly interesting Conor, or Bilbo, or Micah, or Glenn, or bellski.

'Finger - infa' I thought was a bit of a risky rhyme; otherwise I reckon you got your views across with maximum efficiency.

I'm personally not sure about the 'polar spectrum cult'; but good work again.


P.S. What did you make of superstar Crouchy's latest performance against Jamaica man?
#9
Average, nice finish but the penalty and all his celebrations put no confindence.

By the way, the infa part links with a control on a tv and the title.
#10
Bilbo, you puzzle me.

I'm guessing the stuff in bold somehow fits together?
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#11
That's also what I presumed, especially after reading your last piece. I thought there was a message or something from the bold words.

Anyway, really, really good stuff. Enjoyed every word. Can't fault it. Unusual to see you use something as simple as AABB, but it worked great.

A piece to be proud of.
#12
yeh the bold just outlined some worplay which links to the meaning etc, religion, tv, etc.

I didn't even notice the rhyme scheme until then.

But I see I used it a bit.

But really, I don't want comments, i want answers-

after reading this, did you protest, or join the others?