#1
A little co-writing thing I did. Two voices, red is probably male, blue probably female. Purple is both. Still not sure about the order.

Progression/Regression

Pestilence seeps through embers,
Cracking a hole in me,
Faces and names remembered,
Displaced on everyone.

Will you listen to the protests?
Or wave away with hands bruised,
Sorting through the mess they left,
A stronger side of you.


Past this transition,
A new man is stepping through,
Combined from the elements,
The man that you once knew.


Pythons spiral,
Coil ?round the throat,
False pretences,
To squeeze toxins out,
Treating wounds,
With venomous dressing,
So conceal,
This Trojan blessing.


Shame you had to fire
All the aid that you had hired
All the hands you wanted to help you
Rented out a misfit
Rejected and shifted
Took you by the wrist and led you through


Past this transition,
A new man is stepping through,
Combined from the elements,
The man that you once knew.


And I love you for it
Plastics so unusable
Gently drifting through another suit
Colours bright and beautiful
Singing so harmonious and blue


And I hate you for it,
Bringing my tormentors,
Fiercely tearing through these roots,
Muted; dank and inducive,
Tremors leave me shaken through and through.


Past this transition,
A new man is stepping through,
Combined from the elements,
The man that you once knew.


Shame you had to fire
All the aid that you had hired

Bloody hands that try to choke me blue
Rented out a misfit
Rejected and shifted

Twisted wrists that try to bleed me through.

The man you?ll never know again!
Quote by Mascot
yuR a fAggit
#2
Quote by Black Hole Sun
A little co-writing thing I did. Two voices, red is probably male, blue probably female. Purple is both. Still not sure about the order.

Progression/Regression

Pestilence seeps through embers,
Cracking a hole in me,
Faces and names remembered,
Displaced on everyone.

Will you listen to the protests?
Or wave away with hands bruised,
Sorting through the mess they left,
A stronger side of you.


Vivid, explicit, up-front - I like this alot. Excellent use of imagery

Past this transition,
A new man is stepping through,
Combined from the elements,
The man that you once knew.


Short and to the point - a great stanza, very stark and in your face.

Pythons spiral,
Coil ?round the throat,
False pretences,
To squeeze toxins out,
Treating wounds,
With venomous dressing,
So conceal,
This Trojan blessing.


Prehaps my favorite stanza. Violent, vicious, vivid - the three v's, lol. Great use of imagery here as well as a venemous bite and meaningful attack. Great, great stanza. A round of applause.

Shame you had to fire
All the aid that you had hired
All the hands you wanted to help you
Rented out a misfit
Rejected and shifted
Took you by the wrist and led you through


The first two lines have a seemingly forced rhyme scheme....

Past this transition,
A new man is stepping through,
Combined from the elements,
The man that you once knew.


See above comments.

And I love you for it
Plastics so unusable
Gently drifting through another suit
Colours bright and beautiful
Singing so harmonious and blue


I like this alot to - it really paints pictures in my mind without candy, and not subtracting form it meaning or reason.

And I hate you for it,
Bringing my tormentors,
Fiercely tearing through these roots,
Muted; dank and inducive,
Tremors leave me shaken through and through.


Very nice, well done.


Past this transition,
A new man is stepping through,
Combined from the elements,
The man that you once knew.


Shame you had to fire
All the aid that you had hired

Bloody hands that try to choke me blue
Rented out a misfit
Rejected and shifted

Twisted wrists that try to bleed me through.

Very effective, and I can hear a nice crescendo when I read this.

The man you?ll never know again!


Seems a tiny bit corny....


Note: I love your username. Soundgarden refrence - and Soundgarden is my favorite band. My username is also a Soungarden song.

Overall, I think this was a very good piece, very very good infact. A few little brushups here and there and it will be great. Nice job!

Check out my song - Bad Mother Facebreaker
Fears a powerful thing
#3
Thanks. Yeah, Soundgarden are really good, a lot better than Audioslave. Chris' voice was just so much better back then. Just so you know, I wrote all the red and purple bits, my friend wrote the blue bits. Then I arranged it all.
Quote by Mascot
yuR a fAggit
#4
Well you both did a great job.

And I agree - Audioslave is not up to par with Soundgarden. Chris can't shriek like he did back in the days of Bad Motorfinger, Louder Than Love - etc. And his lyrics have lightened up a considerable amount. We need another Jesus Christ Pose!
Fears a powerful thing
#5
I can see a bit of Chris Cornell in your work too. He really could get those brilliant lines out back in Soundgarden though. Right now, my favourite has to be from Fell on Black Days.


I'm a search light soul they say
But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking when I get it right


Still Audioslave isn't bad. Although I think Rage were better too.
Quote by Mascot
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#6
Quote by Black Hole Sun
I can see a bit of Chris Cornell in your work too.

For sure the biggest compliment of my life, so thank you.


Fell on Black Days indeed has great lyrics - and I concur indefinetly, Cornell's lyrics back in Soundgardens heydey were never topped, even by himself. Lyrics like Jesus Christ Pose and My Wave are hard to top.

And I never really could get into Rage because of the rapping - so I prefer Audioslave to Rage.

Soundgarden > Audioslave > Rage
Fears a powerful thing
#7
Even though I do like the rapping, it's not because of that. It's just how much better the rest of the band were then. They were a lot heavier back then, which reallly suits them. Plus, I think Chris worked better with Kim Thayil.
Quote by Mascot
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