#1
Your Burning Desire

The letter that unfolds
Reveals all that's untold
The stroke of the pen
Finds the secret within

I wrote it to please you
To haunt you and tease you
To show I admire your burning desire

All of your teasing
To me seem so pleasing
I made up my mind
To follow your sign

I'll always remember
Your gentle surrender
You move with a style
That makes me go wild

All of your motions
Of craving emotions
Bring spice to a dance
Of lively romance

You'll haunt me forever
With thoughts of the pleasure
Which caused such a flame
That drove me insane
#3
This seems quite good but it looks like you've restricted yourself a bit with the rhyming scheme.

Things I don't like


All of your motions
Of craving emotions

Just seems a bit like you just chucked a rhyme in there, but if sung the right way I suppose it could work

Things I do Like

I wrote it to please you
To haunt you and tease you
To show I admire your burning desire


Although this goes against all I've said these few lines work really well.

Alltogether a good emotional song.
Quote by StaggHound
That's the problem with kids today. No upper body strength.
Back in my day, when you smashed a guitar, it stayed smashed.


Cunning Pikes

The one and only member of the Cunning Pike Club.
#4
hm...i like it, the message in it is fairly cliche though. Some of the rhyme schemes will only work if you sing it the right way too.

Could you check out my piece too? its a little further down the page